Tag Archives: society

I Don’t Believe in Leprechauns, Purple Elephants and Spotted Unicorns

I’ve never seen a leprechaun, a purple elephant or a spotted unicorn walking around. Much like I’ve yet to meet a wonderful, available, single man that people keep telling me exists and that I should “wait for“. Let me define available in my own terms: he’s not someone else’s boyfriend, husband or fiance pretending to be a single man. He is completely heterosexual. He’s not having a physically, intimate, sexual relationship with the mother of his children or some other woman that he desires to maintain. He’s not still in love with, infatuated by, heartbroken over or stalking his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or mother of his children. He is emotionally available to cultivate a relationship. He doesn’t have a fear of commitment, an Oedipus complex or violent tendencies towards women. He is ready, willing, able and capable of making spending time with me a priority in his life and wants to get to know me as a person. That’s what I consider available.

Available is the number one requirement. After that, a man must also be compatible. I have yet to meet someone who conquers available, so compatible is a different task altogether. Which is why I’m eternally married to my shoes, and later this year I will marry a Blackberry® Playbook. Don’t judge me. Both my shoes and the Blackberry® Playbook will enhance my life in a way that a man hasn’t been able to do my entire adult life. They are money well spent and time worth giving.

I’ve learned something about myself that I don’t think anyone else knows. My creativity becomes hindered when I’m giving myself to someone else. I’m happier by myself than I am in a relationship with a man. I’m also tired of “trying” when the man I’m in a relationship with refuses to. I’m tired of giving and not receiving anything in return. It’s too much work without any return on investment. Aren’t relationships supposed to be mutual? I didn’t realize that everyone was taking, taking, taking and believed that giving was not necessary. But that is how it seems to be with the men I meet. So I prefer to be single.

I prefer to travel alone than have someone telling me how much they aren’t having a good time, complaining about where we are, or hating on the people around. I prefer to go where I want to go and do what I want to do without someone else telling me why I can’t or why I shouldn’t. I prefer to have peace of mind and quiet in my home more than having someone who wants to argue or nag about everything. I prefer to cook for myself and eat meals alone than have someone tell me what they don’t like or don’t eat. I prefer to be myself versus being with someone who is trying to control me because they think I need controlling. I prefer to be in my own little existence in this world than have someone who is unhappy with themselves constantly pointing out my flaws to make themselves feel better, as if I don’t already know what my flaws are. I’d rather be single than try to please someone who will never be satisfied, regardless of what I do for them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for any and everyone who has a good relationship and marriage. I just realize that I will not be one of those people. I admit that I don’t appreciate those happily committed and married people who constantly tell me that I need to “wait for“, “be patient“, “have faith in“, “pray for” “don’t give up on“, “believe in” men that they claim exist, but themselves can’t seem to find so that they can introduce me to them. I don’t appreciate the men that I know who tell me that I’m a great woman and that they know single, available men, however they refuse to introduce me to these single, availble men because of their own egos or hidden agendas. I don’t appreciate people who tell urban legends of people they know in their senior years who magically found their soul mates, as if I have to wait until I’m ninety years old to be loved and have companionship. I don’t appreciate people who treat single women like we’re single because there ‘must be something terribly wrong’ with us if we can’t snag one of these wonderful (imaginary) single men. I don’t appreciate people who believe that there are equal amounts of single men and women, therefore everyone should be paired up two by two as if we’re boarding Noah’s Ark into marital bliss.

The stories of love lost and found, love shared over millions of miles, love in a nursing home and what not, are romantic, but they are not the standard. They are the exception to the reality that everyone is not going to be with someone forever. People come and go everyday for a reason or a seaon. Some people come into a person’s life with good intentions but that doesn’t mean they are good for that person. I refuse to live a life expected of me by others because they are afraid that I’m going to die alone. I’m not alone. I just live a singular life without a man to share it with. That’s not a reason to pity me or try to feed me false tales of “a man that’s waiting for me somewhere in the universebut I just can’t see him. I have friends, relatives and someone who will bury me once I’m dead. That’s all that I really need.

There once was a time in our society when people introduced single and available men and women to each other. People had children, friends, relatives, etc. that they knew were looking for someone compatible, so they “screened” men and women to potentially match them up with each other. That’s how Tamia and Grant Hill met. Anita Baker introduced them to each other and they’ve been together ever since. Some of the most successful relationships are a result of someone playing match maker out of genuine love and concern for the two single people. They know the character, intergrity, interests, goals and desires of each person and that they might, just might, make a good couple if introduced. If nothing else, they might make good friends. That doesn’t happen anymore. People are either afraid their matchmaking skills will result in disaster, they’re selfish and too egotistical to see someone else happy, or they don’t know any quality individuals to match each other with, although they pretend that they do. I’ve asked several individuals over the years to introduce me to a man, if they know of anyone. Some of them have agreed. I still haven’t been introduced to anyone. But I’m such a great woman. A man once said that there’s a good man somewhere waiting for me, but he’s sorting through all the women without substance. I asked that same man, if that good man is sorting through all the women without substance, how will he ever find me? I never got an answer to my question.

It’s possible that I may not be meant to be with someone. It may not be in the Master’s Plan. God has other things He wants of me as I live today and everyday. He knows that a man might just be an attractive distraction that I don’t need. As much as my heart would like for that to not be the case, I have accepted that everything ain’t for everybody and a relationship may not be for me. I just need everyone else to accept that, too. And even those who disagree with my theory of the Master’s Plan aren’t able to prove me wrong. That’s because these same people can’t seem to find any available, single men for me to meet. They are afraid of making an introduction, setting me up on a blind date or even telling these (imaginary) men that I exist to spark some interest in me. I’m open to all of of those things. These same people can’t even tell me where to go so I can accidentally run into these (imaginary) men by chance. Therefore, until someone introduces me to one of these (imaginary) men, I’m perfectly happy being single.  #FabSingleLife.

If you are a single woman, and you’re always being bombarded by the hopefully romantic, wishful thinking people in your world telling you that the man for you, is just around the corner and you just have to be patient, because they know he exists, tell them to put their money where their mouths are and take you around the corner, point that man out and introduce you to him. When you do this, watch their faces change and their excuses come in abundance.

*Excuse me, can you tell me which one is easier to find: an available man or a leprauchaun, a purple elephant and a spotted unicorn? 

Public Appearances

This weekend I visited a local mall for the first time in my life. I’ve been a West-Sider all of my life until I moved downtown. Being territorial, as many people are, we don’t often go too far from home to do things like “shop”. And when we do, it’s often because we know of a mall or stores that have really great deals, like Great Lakes Crossing; which for many years was the “day trip” for me and my son at least twice a year. Once for school clothes and once for Christmas Shopping. So in almost 37 years of living I had never stepped foot into this one particular mall. So I had absolutely no idea what I was in for when I arrived at Eastland Mall.

Eastland Mall has all the major stores I have grown to love of the years. They even had some stores I had never heard of before. But it wasn’t the shopping that got my attention. It wasn’t the sales, it wasn’t the customer service, it wasn’t anything that you would immediately think a fabulous female with a shoe fetish would notice. What I noticed most was the people…and their horrible public appearances. There were many young women who had decided to leave the house with head scarves on, and what appeared to be the same clothes they had worn to bed. There were several young men that literally had their pants sagging so low their underwear was fully exposed, with house shoes on. One young man literally was wearing his pajamas. I’m not kidding. I’m not exaggerating. I have a witness if you need one.

I was actually shocked. I had never see so many people in one place at one time look such a hot mess. It’s almost as if it were the newest trend captured in one central location. As I looked down at my own sundress and comfortable sandals, I began to wonder if I had missed the memo. Did someone forget to tell me that looking like I had just gotten out of bed was the new style? The only time I’ve ever worn a head scarf in public was after getting my hair done to keep it nice for later that day or evening. And even then, it’s not the scarf I wore to bed. Usually I cover that scarf with a fabulous, fashionable one, add a pair of sunglasses, earrings and put on a cute outfit. Everything coordinates and everyone who sees me doesn’t think I’m a lazy slob of a woman. 

When it comes to the way young men wear their underwear exposed, I blame Lil Wayne. I’m kidding. He’s not at fault. Everyone has a mind of their own whether they choose to use it or not. There are a lot of young men that will not wear their pants around their thighs or knees regardless of what’s fashionable. There were in fact a handful of young men at the mall that didn’t have their pants “sagging”. However, one of them was in desperate need of a re-braid to his cornrows. But I could overlook that a lot easier than if I was walking behind him and could see the imprint of his butt crack. I know, I know – I don’t have to look. But in this case, this is being forced in my face against my will because it is so prevalent that it’s completely unavoidable. It’s kind of like a pigeon flying into your closed window and dying. It’s not your fault the pigeon did it, but you’re stuck with the clean up anyway.

What I’d like to see happen is that parents and schools start making more of a demand that our young people dress more appropriately at a younger age regardless of where they are. If we give them an alternative from following “the crowd” or “the trend” and encourage them to be more individual while remaining appropriate, we’d see more “trendsetters” instead of followers. We’d see more leaders, we’d see more scholars, we’d see more young people prepared to go into any environment and make a more presentable public appearance. Young women need to have improved self esteem. They need to be made aware that wearing your bed clothes and head scarves in public is not cute. My grandmother always told me to look my best when I leave the house because I never know who I might meet. I’ve lived by that my entire life and I’ve met some very influential people who wouldn’t have spoken a single word to me if I had been wearing my pajamas. Some of these same young men and women may have spent a lot of money on their clothes and shoes. However, it’s not about how much your clothes cost or the designer label inside them. It’s more about if you wear those clothes well, or not. Can you go from the boardroom to the after work networking event? Or are you always dressed to go to the nightclub? Are your only “good clothes” worn to church on Sundays? Or can you dress up with a few minutes notice so you can shake the hand of the President?

I commend young people who know how to wear their clothes so that they can be taken seriously and not viewed as thugs all the time. I’m also glad that some colleges and universities have a dress code, including many HBCUs. The dress code implemented by colleges and universities often isn’t strict. Instead they clearly prohibit wearing pajamas, house shoes, head scarves and pants sagging, including during campus visits prior to enrollment. The truth is a dress code wouldn’t be necessary on college campuses if we as a society gave our children guidance and taught them that they aren’t extras in someone else’s rap video or a sharecropper’s wife when they leave the house. A dress code wouldn’t be necessary if we taught our children that the only time wearing your pajamas in public is acceptable is if your house was on fire when you awoke that morning.

Eventually, as parents, we hope our children will transition into the workplace. If they continue to maintain the public appearances they currently have, many will not ever surpass the first interview. It may have just been a mall on a Saturday afternoon, but those same young people left that mall and went somewhere else, or came from somewhere else to that mall. For many of them, that is how they dress the majority of the time. They believe it to be common practice because they don’t know better. They believe that they are representative of society as a whole because they don’t know better. They believe they will be able to transition into collegiate life and the workforce without any problems because they don’t know better.

Of course there are some young people that will argue they don’t need to be concerned about how they dress because they have plans of becoming a professional athlete. Reality check: the NBA has a dress code. So does the NFL. Therefore, attire and how it is worn isn’t just a concern in corporate America or on college campuses anymore. So I can’t be completely wrong when I say that young men and women need to present a much better public appearance than they currently do.  

When you know better, you do better.