Tag Archives: respect

Beautiful People Don’t Need Stuff

This is just my opinion, but the most beautiful people aren’t the ones with the biggest houses, most expensive cars, designer shoes and handbags. The most beautiful people aren’t the ones with the most lavish lifestyles, who take spa days in the middle of the week at tropical destinations. The most beautiful people aren’t chronicled by People Magazine or by Barbara Walters once each year. The most beautiful people aren’t starring on Basketball Wives or Real Housewives of <insert city/county here>.

The most beautiful people in the world are happy people.

How does one correlate beauty with happiness? It’s not a hard connection to make when you consider it. When it comes to physical beauty, people who are happy tend to smile more, therefore, they have less wrinkles. People who are happy, enjoy life, get exercise and rest, therefore extending their longevity and youthfulness. People who are happy, and I mean truly happy, are less argumentative, less nosey and less petty resulting in them having lower stress levels. 

When it comes to happiness from a social standpoint, people who are happy with themselves as individuals as more successful and they are also more encouraging of others. People who are happy know that they aren’t the only people allowed to be happy. These happy people are the motivators, innovators and advocates for better living. They themselves may have gone through ups and downs, had adversity stare them in the face: they stared back and overcame it.

Happy people aren’t happy because they have money either. Happy people don’t live or work for money. Money is a by-product for them because they need it to survive in society, but it’s not their only motivation. Happy people also use their money for more than purchasing superficial material possessions. Some of the most miserable people have money and material possessions. They’re miserable because those material possessions only fuel one thing – the need for more material possessions. Don’t get me wrong – stuff is nice. Having stuff is nice. But life isn’t about stuff and how much of it you can accumulate before you die.

Life is about living.

We’ve gotten so caught up in accumulating stuff just to try to make other people jealous, that we’ve birthed a generation of entitled, spoiled, lazy children that think life is all about stuff. They haven’t been taught that happiness is a byproduct of good relationships. They don’t know that happiness is doing something you love and doing it well. They don’t understand that there are certain things expected of them that may not always make them happy today, but will make them productive in society so that they can pursue happiness with minimal hindrances tomorrow. Our youth lack self-love, self-esteem and, unfortunately, moral fortitude. They think being happy and beautiful means having stuff. They believe that designer labels and expensive cars determine the value of a person.  However, that’s not the reality of life.

Being beautiful on the outside may get you in the room, but being smart and talented will keep you in the room.

Being knowledgeable and driven will earn you respect. Having designer labels isn’t what it once was. You can buy a lot of designer labels from TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Burlington Coat Factory and one of my  personal favorites, Loehmann’s. And if you’re really smart, you know when the sales are and the best times of year to shop so you can really clean up. I’m not knocking designers, I own plenty of attire from many of them myself. I’m knocking the importance we put on having someone else’s name on our bodies, in our hands and own our feet every single day. So much of my designer clothing and footwear (I’m known for my “shoe-icide“) is considered nondescript. Most often you wouldn’t have any idea who I’m wearing unless I either told you, or you were a connoisseur of them yourself. Thus, making me look fashionable, without being trendy. I have my own style, and my own idea of what makes me beautiful.     

Being beautiful isn’t a personal goal for me. As a super girl growing up I didn’t say, “When I grow up I want to be beautiful”. It honestly didn’t cross my mind that I can recall. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be wealthy. I wanted to have a family. But I don’t remember wanting to be beautiful. Even today, it’s not a goal of mine. My goals (all one hundred zillion of them) are more about me being happy – personally and professionally.  I receive compliments on my physical beauty on a daily basis. Compliments are flattering, but they don’t do anything for me. They affirm that my exercise routine is working and that I have good DNA. Other than that, compliments don’t go to my head. They don’t win anyone brownie points for giving them to me either. As beautiful as anyone may think I am, I’d like to think that they think I’m beautiful on the inside just as much, if not more so, than I am on the outside. Hopefully, they don’t attribute my beauty to how many material possessions I own (or don’t).  Hopefully, people find my intellect a quality that also makes me beautiful. Hopefully, they respect my craft and how hard I’m working to reach my goals. And if not, oh well, that’s their superficiality and their loss, not mine. When I die, I don’t want people to say “Super Woman was beautiful, but she didn’t have enough stuff. It would’ve been nice if she had more stuff“. When I die, I want people to say “Super Woman was beautiful, she gave of herself and her talents, and she was happy“.

 – The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love and something to hope for.” (Allan Chalmers)

Men Have Hair Issues

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of articles in magazines, such as Essence, and posts on Facebook and Twitter about women wearing “natural” hair versus weaves, wigs, etc. A lot of these debates are started by men who seem to think they are the authority on how women should look and wear their hair. From a man deciding to give women wearing their “natural” hair discounts to enter his nightclub, to men asking are there any “women who don’t wear a weave left”. None of these men are men who have cosmetology licenses or work in the hair care industry. Therefore, they cannot be trusted as SMEs (subject matter experts) on what is “natural” hair and what isn’t. Men who make their living making women look beautiful, never complain about how women choose to wear their hair. I wonder who I would trust more to give me advice about my tresses: the man with the cosmetology license and the hair salon full of other beautiful women, or the man with his own personal idea of how a woman should wear her hair to please him.

I’m disappointed in Black men, particularly, who harshly judge, minimize and glorify women simply based on how we choose to wear our hair, or on whether or not our hair is “natural” or not. Black men clearly STILL have hair issues when it comes to Black women. It is divisive and superficial. It is one of the reasons Black women harshly judge each other based on hair. Weaves, wigs, press and curls, relaxers, braids, locs – those are a woman’s choice, not the determining factor of a woman’s worth.

Men who do not work in the hair care industry, don’t even know what the true definition of “natural” hair is. They are only going off of their opinion of what it should be. Regardless of how a woman wears her hair, going to the hair salon still costs money, therefore men, I have news for you: You will not save money, by dating a woman just because she wears what you consider “natural” hair. All hair types require care by a professional at some point during its growth. Women with “natural” hair also experience problems such as hair breakage if their hair isn’t properly cared for. Therefore, men, if saving money is your concern, I bid you good luck with that.

I’m becoming tired of men who think that every woman on the planet should be their “type” of woman. If a man likes a woman to have certain qualities, he should date only those types of women. If a man likes a woman who has a certain hair type or texture, he should date only women with that hair type or texture. Every woman isn’t going to fit into every man’s “type”. FYI – you can’t make someone into what or who you want them to be (unless they are easily manipulated and unable to think and make decisions for themselves). Take a woman as she is, or leave her alone. Again, it’s a choice

God decided that there should  be a reflection of variety in everything about us. He proved that by making all of us a different skin tone and giving us a different hair texture. None of us is more beautiful in God’s eyes than someone else. We’re ALL made in His image. Aren’t we? Therefore, our hair strands are all natural, regardless of how we decide to wear them. As a woman who has worn my hair many, many ways over my thirty-six years of life, how I decide to wear it currently is completely a personal choice. Which it should always be. Most women are paying for their own hair services anyway. Women with self confidence don’t get their hair done for a man [She don’t do it for the man, man never notice – Drake “Fancy”]. We get our hair done for OURSELVES. It just so happens that men get the benefits of us doing so by being blessed to look at us afterwards ♥.

To the men of the world, (particularly Black men), who feel like a woman’s hair and how she chooses to wear it is such a huge factor, because you have hair issues, I say the following and I say it with love:

As women, we are very tolerant of your many PHYSICAL imperfections as men, not to mention some of your emotional imperfections. Please be aware that all of you don’t look like professional athletes, actors and male models. Some of you need to make a lot more frequent trips to the doctor, dentist, barber and gym. But we love you anyway. If you like certain kinds of women, that is your choice. Choose the kind of woman that you like, but please STOP trying to turn all the women of the world into the kind of woman that you like. It’s called having choices and respecting other’s choices. I respect your right, as a man, to choose women with nothing going for them but big butts, who have no brains and can’t cook, if that’s what you like, whether I agree with it or not. Therefore, respect our rights as women to choose to wear our hair the way we want to and change it when we want to. If women ever started judging men as harshly based on something as superficial as your hair, many of you wouldn’t get into the nightclub either.  

I am not my hair, and neither is she.

The Water Bill is High

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. – Bible, Exodus 20:17

This scripture is one that is pivotal when dealing with relationships between men and women. Particularly in a day and age where Black women are made to feel that there aren’t enough available Black men in the world, so to them it’s reasonable to become involved with a married or committed man. And with many Black men feeling that Black women are desperate for a relationship or attention that they would easily fall into the arms of another man hoping for something better than what they have at home, it is becoming common practice in our society to pursue another man’s woman. This scripture is one of the ten commandments and it warns us against being envious of what someone else has, regardless of what it is. However, it amazes me how people feel that it is within their rights to attempt to infiltrate someone else’s relationship because it looks good to them from the outside. People who do this often believe that what someone else has comes easy to that person. They fail to recognize that a good relationship takes work. HARD work; along with commitment, understanding and good communication. None of those elements comes easy, even when you have a really good connection and attraction to someone. As a person you have to make a conscious decision to have a good relationship, then you have to put the necessary actions behind that decision. People looking for an easy relationship often lack the work ethic that it takes to maintain a relationship.  

I recently went from being single to committed. During the last four years of being a single woman, I never dated or became involved with a man that had a girlfriend or wife. If I did, I didn’t know it. There are reasons I didn’t date married or committed men. One reason is trust. If  a man would cheat on his girlfriend or wife, there’s a huge possibility that he would also cheat on me. Another reason is respect. If  a man doesn’t respect his own relationship, he will not respect mine. And the most important reason to me is Karma. I didn’t want to do anything to anyone else, that I wouldn’t want to have happen to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had numerous opportunities to be the type of woman who messes around with married men. I’ve received “offers” from men to be their “other woman”, but the cost to me was too great. The cost to my morals and values was one that they couldn’t properly compensate me for. They couldn’t afford other woman’s insurance. So I sent them back to their wives and suggested that they make an effort to become better husbands. If any of these men’s wives were to ask me what happened, I would tell them. I don’t owe any loyalty to those men. They were the one’s willing to break their marriage vows, not me. And having had the misfortune of being a married woman (once upon a time) whose husband cheated, I know the pain that betrayal can bring. Every one’s situation is different and every woman doesn’t leave an unfaithful husband, and vice versa. However, the truth, regardless of how painful, is still the truth. I prefer to live with the truth, than to live a lie. You can’t make good decisions in life based on a lie.

The one thing I’m noticing now that I’m in a relationship is how many men I meet want to be “friends”, as if I’m so naive at thirty-six years old that I don’t know what they really mean. That’s an example of coveting your neighbor. They have no idea what it takes to be with me. They have no knowledge to the fact that many, many men have tried, and failed, in the arena with me. They have no idea of my flaws or moods. Sex is easy. Friendship is difficult because people often realize later that they want more or can’t handle more. And a relationship is life-altering. When I was single, if a man approached me with the “friends” line, I knew immediately they wouldn’t be boyfriend or potential husband material for me. They didn’t think I was worthy of commitment. I was dating with the purpose of finding a spouse. When a man says that to me now that I’m in a relationship, I know the same is true and that he really wouldn’t make a good friend at all – platonic or otherwise. And of course, my boyfriend is having similar experiences with women. Women are a mess, too. Sometimes they are worse than men are because they can be more aggressive and relentless. They can’t believe that someone else got the man they wanted, even though they never told him they were interested or had feelings towards him. The same can be said for men. To that I say, oh well, your inability to communicate your feelings are not anyone else’s fault.  And even if you had, it doesn’t mean you’d have the same type of relationship with that person.

Everything ain’t for everybody. I say that for a reason. Everyone isn’t compatible, regardless of physical attraction. It is not physical attraction alone that makes a good relationship. So many things factor into having a healthy, trusting relationship with the opposite sex. There are a lot of beautiful women and gorgeous men that are single. Appearances only mask our character for a short time. Eventually the facade comes down and the real person is revealed. In a relationship you have to be able to show your true, authentic self and accept the true and authentic self of your partner. Relationships are not for fickle, superficial people who believe that it doesn’t ever rain. Relationships are for strong, resilient, forgiving people who keep an umbrella on hand

First rule to relationships – You attract who and what you are. Two fickle, superficial people who are delusional in a relationship are doomed to fail. One fickle, superficial person in a relationship is a headache to their partner. However, two people with the same understanding of what it takes to maintain a relationship will be more successful, come rain or shine.

The next time you approach someone who tells you they are married or in a relationship consider the possibility that they have flaws and issues that you may not be capable of handling. The person they are with is their choice and their choice has nothing to do with your desires or lust. Respect their relationship. I went to a Tyler Perry play once and his character Madea said, “People always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But when they get over there, they find out their neighbor was using ChemLawn and the water bill is high as hell”.