When I was growing up and I’d ask my aunt a question like “why do boys do stupid stuff?“, she would answer my question with this question ~ “Why does a dog lick himself?” Of course, I’d say “I dunno”, and she’d say “Because he can… and that’s the same reason boys do stupid stuff.”
As I’ve gotten older, the question remains. And it is still the same answer. In relationships, people have forgotten some basic fundamentals. One in particular is honesty. People use lying as a reason to save a person’s feelings, because they believe telling the truth is more damning. The truth is that lying damages trust and creates fractures in the foundation of the relationship that never heal. Telling the truth may hurt someone’s feelings, but it does a lot less damage in the long run. Telling the truth might mean the relationship ends, but that’s better than having an unhealthy relationship full of anger, deceit, resentment and betrayal.
I bring this up today because too many people like living a lie in their relationships and it’s both unnecessary and unhealthy. Personally, I’m tired of seeing it, hearing it and having it walk up to my front porch uninvited and unwelcome. Unfortunately, it is true that more men lie about stupid things they don’t need to lie about, than women do. Men lie about where they are going and who they are going with. Men lie about who they love and who they want a relationship with. They lie about the color of their socks. Men lie about what they do for a living and how much money they don’t make. Men seem to lie about a lot of things, both big and small, for no reason at all. And they get away with it. Sometimes because women will say “oh, he’s just confused, but I can change him“. You can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change themselves.
Why do men get away with lying? The same reason a dog licks himself. Because they can.
Men get away with lying because so many women accept and tolerate the lies, even when their instincts tell them not to. It’s usually desperation and fear of being alone that causes women to ignore common sense, women’s intuition and the clues that a lie is being told straight to their face. Men only do to a woman what they are allowed to do. Men are well aware of this. Steve Harvey even talked about it in his book. Men understand and value loyalty and respect over love. If a woman demands honesty from a man, that man may not want a relationship with her, but he’ll respect her more than he respects a woman who puts up with his lies. That doesn’t mean he won’t lie anymore. It just means he’s aware of who he can’t lie to and get away with it. I’ve always preferred having a man’s respect towards me more than his attention or admiration. Which is probably another reason I’m single. But it’s worth it to have my peace of mind.
Women: If a man is constantly lying to you and you remain in a relationship with him, he will not stop lying to you. If anything, he will just lie more often and get better at it. And why should he stop lying to you? His lies got you. His lies are keeping you. He gets everything he wants by lying to you and there aren’t any consequences or repercussions handed down to him when lies are told. Every time he lies, he gives an apology (another lie), and a reason for lying in the first place (another lie) and follows it with a promise to never lie again (another lie). That’s too much lying for me right there. But I see it more and more in relationships.
So many women seem to be accepting of this disrespectful behavior. I say disrespectful because anytime another person takes the time to deceive you, mislead you or takes away your ability to make an informed decision for your life based on truth and facts, they are disrespecting you. A self-respecting person never likes for others to disrespect them in return. The same women who allow men to needlessly lie and accept it, contribute to a cycle where that same man lies to the next woman he meets, and the next and the next, until he has a come to Jesus moment. That come to Jesus moment is usually something extremely dramatic, like a paternity lawsuit, his car being keyed, his house being burned to the ground (ala Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes and Andre Rison circa 1994), or something else that takes a lot of money out of his pocket. I’m not condoning doing these things to men, I’m just saying that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. These types of acts also aren’t necessary to get revenge against a man. The best revenge is to be fabulous; which means being able to walk away from that man leaving him without the privilege of your time, energy or intimacy.
Men often don’t consider what they might lose by lying, they often are only looking for something to gain when they do so. Whatever happened to the truth setting someone free? When did telling the truth become so hard that a person would go through the trouble of creating an entire story about something that never happened, that includes people, places and conversations that didn’t take place, to avoid telling the truth? When did a lie become one of the building blocks in relationships?
I remember a time when a man lied or cheated and was greeted with hot grits in return. Have the women of the 21st century become such weak doormats that they would rather be with a man that constantly lies to them than be happy, healthy and single? Being single isn’t a bad thing. Particularly since it’s so obvious that a lot of people have no business being in relationships in the first place because they lie. When a person lies all the time they are often referred to as a pathological liar. This was once thought to be a mental illness, but for many it’s just a bad habit that they get away with maintaining and are never held accountable for.
All of the energy that is put into cultivating a lie can be used for many more productive ventures. Instead of lying, why not be an adult, tell your partner the truth and move forward – whether that means the relationship ends or not. A relationship based on a lie is never worth maintaining. It’s a parasite and the only purpose it serves is to drain you dry. It’s a time waster. It’s a dream killer. It’s utter fuckery at the core of it’s existence.
Of course a dog will lick himself because he can. A man will lie to and disrespect the woman he can. Just like a woman will abuse and emasculate the man that she can. I’ve never liked a liar – man or woman. I do my best to avoid anyone who lies to me, male or female. I’ve always believed that a person who would lie to me is a thief and a killer. Neither of whom should hold a position of power in my Super World, personally or professionally.
Integrity. It’s a word people forget and no longer practice. Integrity means doing the right things, even when no one else is watching you. It means being trustworthy. It requires honesty.
Women, please remember this in your relationships no matter what: a man who lies, will cheat; a man who cheats, will steal; a man who steals, will kill. Don’t settle for lies out of fear. If he lies to you, he’s not honest with himself. A man with integrity will always be honest, even when it’s hard or painful for him to do. A man that truly loves you, shows it and will always consider your heart before he does anything that could hurt you.
Why does a dog lick himself? Because he can.
Why does a man lie to you? Because you don’t demand more from him and let him get away with it by staying with him.
Life is too short to live connected to someone by a lie. If you wake up everyday, fearful that you’ll be alone if you end your relationship with a liar, so you stay in the situation, I have news for you: You’re already alone… you just don’t know it yet.
~ If you’re a man reading this and you feel like I’m man bashing, too bad. Stop lying to yourself and others and you won’t feel that way. When you know better, you do better.