Tag Archives: habitual liars

Miss Independent

By George! I think I’ve got it!

Men constantly say they want an independent woman. It seems that they do not understand the definition. Many women proclaim that they are independent women. They also have no clue as to what that really means. Everyone should be independent. Independent means that you are capable of taking care of yourself and what belongs to you. Independent means that you have a level of stability that is not reliant on other human beings. It means that you can work, and you have the basic necessities of life that include food, shelter and clothing. Independent means that you are secure within yourself. It means that you are capable of doing almost everything you want and need to do. An independent woman knows what she feels, can say what she believes and embraces her power. An independent man has a healthy relationship with his family and friends, is capable of providing his basic needs, is reliable and understands his role as a man. 

With all the men looking for independent women and all the women claiming to be  independent, why are there so many SINGLE people complaining that they can’t find anyone?

Independence is shown in actions, not in words. You can scream how independent you are all day long. And you can say you want independence in another, but until your actions show it, you don’t know what it is.

Independent does not mean that men and women don’t need each other. If man didn’t need woman, God wouldn’t have made Eve in the first place. God would’ve just allowed Adam to roam around by himself in the Garden of Eden and Adam would’ve eventually died. Alone. That would’ve been the end of mankind. Therefore, it can be argued and agreed upon that men and women need each other just to exist. Without one, the other will become extinct over time. That’s the reality.

When I hear women say they are independent and don’t need a man, I shake my head and roll my eyes. That is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard. Their misguided idea of independent is this: ‘I don’t need a man to pay my bills, I can pay them myself. I don’t need a man to get a car, a house or anything else, because I can get that for myself. I don’t even need a man for sex, I own a vibrator. No man can do anything for me. I’m independent.’ That is complete fuckery. Without a man – whoever your father is – you wouldn’t exist. Independence is not a shield or a sword for you to use against men. Independence is necessary to make sure that you survive with or without a mate, but it’s not a means to an end. So what you don’t ask a man for money. That just means you give yourself away for free. So what you can buy material possessions. They eventually go out of style and depreciate in value the second you walk out of the store. Being an independent woman doesn’t release a man from his role in this world. It just means you are capable of taking care of business if something happens to your man (he’s injured, loses his job or dies). A man is still required to protect and provide for a woman. That woman may not be you, since you’re so independent and all, but one day that man will protect and provide for a woman.

As independent and self-sufficient as I am, I at least need a man who’ll come and change my flat tire for me… and I’m Super Woman.

Men who say they want an independent woman are telling the next biggest lie I’ve ever heard. When men say that to me, again I shake my head and roll my eyes. I know eventually that same man will tell me he doesn’t feel needed or appreciated by whomever he’s dealing with intimately. All men want to feel needed and appreciated by a woman, by their children and at work. Any man who says that they want a woman who will never ask them for anything because she already has everything is lying. If you’re not needed by a woman, you have no place in her life. If a woman can’t ask you for anything, what are you there for? It can’t be for the sex. Remember, she’s independent so she doesn’t need you for sex because she owns a vibrator. If a woman can’t call you and ask you come fix something, lift something, move something, pay for something, help with something or any other manly task that takes place outside the bedroom in her life, you will never be needed or appreciated by her.

A truly independent woman will only ask a man for help if she has already exhausted all other options available to her and the issue is still unresolved. Therefore, if she’s calling you, either she thinks very highly of you or you’re her last resort. Either way, as a man, you’re needed in that moment. What man doesn’t want that? A man who truly understands the definition of an independent woman knows that means she’s capable of taking care of his family, managing his household and having his back when he needs her to. A man who truly understands that also knows that he’s paying for her time, attention and affection in one way or another if she is his woman. He’s protecting her and providing for her.

Here’s another reality for you. If a man can pay for porn, pay to go to a strip club or pay to buy a men’s magazine, he’s paying for sex, therefore he should also be able to pay for his woman’s wants and needs. A woman asking you to pay bills, help her financially or even take out the trash is not a gold digger. She’s a woman with some level of standards and expectations. She’s telling you the expectations of being involved with her. If the woman you are dealing with sexually is not your woman, you are still benefitting from your involvement with her and doing so without a committment. Last time I checked all benefits cost something. You don’t get medical insurance through your employer without having to go to work everyday. So why do you think you’re entitled to have a sexual involvement with a woman without having to also work for it?

And understand this men, your other male counterparts that are agreeing with you to your face and on Facebook, telling you that woman is crazy and saying that you shouldn’t be with that woman because she asked you for money (or anything else) are laughing at you behind your back. Those same men are going home to their wives or girlfriends and paying ALL OF HER BILLS, taking out the trash, fixing what needs to be fixed, and going to work the next day to do it all over again and again to keep her happy. Why? Because those are her standards and expectations and in order to be with her those are the things that he has to do. He wants to be with her, so he does it. Even when you are married, you are paying for your woman’s attention and affection in one way or another.   

Why do men think this mindset towards women is okay? I’ll tell you why. Because women let men get away with it. Yes, women, I blame you. Men only do to us what we allow them to do. When you are easy – a man doesn’t have to take you out, he can come to your house and have sex with you anytime he wants to, he doesn’t have to commit, he doesn’t have to give you quality time, etc. – you’re cheapening yourself and all the other women that man will meet after you as well. You’re letting him believe that he doesn’t have to work for you and therefore, if he didn’t have to work to get you, he doesn’t need to work to keep you or work for anyone else after you either. I’m sorry, but my daddy taught me that I’m a prize and even with all my independence I can’t cheapen myself as a woman. I believe that a man should be the provider, regardless of how much money I make. I believe that a man should protect me and do man’s work. I believe that a man should spend money on me if he wants my company and attention. And if I’m with a man for an extended period of time, I have the right to ask him for money if I need it and sometimes if I want it. There’s certain things I only do around the house when my son isn’t home. And when I mean not home, I mean when he’s seven hundred plus miles away at Clark Atlanta University. He does the man’s work and if it’s something he needs helps with, he calls another man to come assist him. Seriously.

I know what you’re thinking: why does she have her son fixing stuff and doing man’s work that she can probably do herself? BECAUSE I want my son to know, understand, appreciate and solidify his role as a man so that when he has a wife and a family he can protect them and provide for them. I don’t want him to believe that he can live in a woman’s house and not have to work. I don’t want him to believe that his penis is a magic key that gets him everything he wants from a woman and he doesn’t have to do anything for her in return. I want him to be secure in his manhood and it starts with him understanding that there are standards and expectations. I bet that same man who doesn’t give a woman he’s sleeping with any money and calls her a gold digger, will give his mother money if she asks and sometimes if she doesn’t. Why? That’s the standard his mother has established. He knows that he’s expected to protect and provide for her. Why shouldn’t he also do that for his woman?  

~ What do I need a man for if he’s not going to protect me and provide for me? I’m independent.

 

Why Does a Dog Lick Himself?

When I was growing up and I’d ask my aunt a question like “why do boys do stupid stuff?“, she would answer my question with this question ~ “Why does a dog lick himself?” Of course, I’d say “I dunno”, and she’d say “Because he can… and that’s the same reason boys do stupid stuff.”

As I’ve gotten older, the question remains. And it is still the same answer. In relationships, people have forgotten some basic fundamentals. One in particular is honesty. People use lying as a reason to save a person’s feelings, because they believe telling the truth is more damning. The truth is that lying damages trust and creates fractures in the foundation of the relationship that never heal. Telling the truth may hurt someone’s feelings, but it does a lot less damage in the long run. Telling the truth might mean the relationship ends, but that’s better than having an unhealthy relationship full of anger, deceit, resentment and betrayal.

I bring this up today because too many people like living a lie in their relationships and it’s both unnecessary and unhealthy. Personally, I’m tired of seeing it, hearing it and having it walk up to my front porch uninvited and unwelcome. Unfortunately, it is true that more men lie about stupid things they don’t need to lie about, than women do. Men lie about where they are going and who they are going with. Men lie about who they love and who they want a relationship with. They lie about the color of their socks. Men lie about what they do for a living and how much money they don’t make. Men seem to lie about a lot of things, both big and small, for no reason at all. And they get away with it. Sometimes because women will say “oh, he’s just confused, but I can change him“. You can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change themselves.

Why do men get away with lying? The same reason a dog licks himself. Because they can.

Men get away with lying because so many women accept and tolerate the lies, even when their instincts tell them not to. It’s usually desperation and fear of being alone that causes women to ignore common sense, women’s intuition and the clues that a lie is being told straight to their face. Men only do to a woman what they are allowed to do. Men are well aware of this. Steve Harvey even talked about it in his book. Men understand and value loyalty and respect over love.  If a woman demands honesty from a man, that man may not want a relationship with her, but he’ll respect her more than he respects a woman who puts up with his lies. That doesn’t mean he won’t lie anymore. It just means he’s aware of who he can’t lie to and get away with it. I’ve always preferred having a man’s respect towards me more than his attention or admiration. Which is probably another reason I’m single. But it’s worth it to have my peace of mind.

Women: If a man is constantly lying to you and you remain in a relationship with him, he will not stop lying to you. If anything, he will just lie more often and get better at it. And why should he stop lying to you? His lies got you. His lies are keeping you. He gets everything he wants by lying to you and there aren’t any consequences or repercussions handed down to him when lies are told. Every time he lies, he gives an apology (another lie), and a reason for lying in the first place (another lie) and follows it with a promise to never lie again (another lie). That’s too much lying for me right there. But I see it more and more in relationships.

So many women seem to be accepting of this disrespectful behavior. I say disrespectful because anytime another person takes the time to deceive you, mislead you or takes away your ability to make an informed decision for your life based on truth and facts, they are disrespecting you. A self-respecting person never likes for others to disrespect them in return. The same women who allow men to needlessly lie and accept it, contribute to a cycle where that same man lies to the next woman he meets, and the next and the next, until he has a come to Jesus moment. That come to Jesus moment is usually something extremely dramatic, like a paternity lawsuit, his car being keyed, his house being burned to the ground (ala Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes and Andre Rison circa 1994), or something else that takes a lot of money out of his pocket. I’m not condoning doing these things to men, I’m just saying that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. These types of acts also aren’t necessary to get revenge against a man. The best revenge is to be fabulous; which means being able to walk away from that man leaving him without the privilege of your time, energy or intimacy.

Men often don’t consider what they might lose by lying, they often are only looking for something to gain when they do so. Whatever happened to the truth setting someone free? When did telling the truth become so hard that a person would go through the trouble of creating an entire story about something that never happened, that includes people, places and conversations that didn’t take place, to avoid telling the truth? When did a lie become one of the building blocks in relationships?

I remember a time when a man lied or cheated and was greeted with hot grits in return.  Have the women of the 21st century become such weak doormats that they would rather be with a man that constantly lies to them than be happy, healthy and single? Being single isn’t a bad thing. Particularly since it’s so obvious that a lot of people have no business being in relationships in the first place because they lie. When a person lies all the time they are often referred to as a pathological liar. This was once thought to be a mental illness, but for many it’s just a bad habit that they get away with maintaining and are never held accountable for.

All of the energy that is put into cultivating a lie can be used for many more productive ventures. Instead of lying, why not be an adult, tell your partner the truth and move forward – whether that means the relationship ends or not. A relationship based on a lie is never worth maintaining. It’s a parasite and the only purpose it serves is to drain you dry. It’s a time waster. It’s a dream killer. It’s utter fuckery at the core of it’s existence.

Of course a dog will lick himself because he can. A man will lie to and disrespect the woman he can. Just like a woman will abuse and emasculate the man that she can. I’ve never liked a liar – man or woman. I do my best to avoid anyone who lies to me, male or female. I’ve always believed that a person who would lie to me is a thief and a killer. Neither of whom should hold a position of power in my Super World, personally or professionally.

Integrity. It’s a word people forget and no longer practice. Integrity means doing the right things, even when no one else is watching you. It means being trustworthy. It requires honesty.

Women, please remember this in your relationships no matter what: a man who lies, will cheat; a man who cheats, will steal; a man who steals, will kill. Don’t settle for lies out of fear. If he lies to you, he’s not honest with himself. A man with integrity will always be honest, even when it’s hard or painful for him to do. A man that truly loves you, shows it and will always consider your heart before he does anything that could hurt you. 

Why does a dog lick himself? Because he can.

Why does a man lie to you? Because you don’t demand more from him and let him get away with it by staying with him.

Life is too short to live connected to someone by a lie. If you wake up everyday, fearful that you’ll be alone if you end your relationship with a liar, so you stay in the situation, I have news for you: You’re already alone… you just don’t know it yet.  

~ If you’re a man reading this and you feel like I’m man bashing, too bad. Stop lying to yourself and others and you won’t feel that way. When you know better, you do better.