Tag Archives: flowers

I Admit To Failing

There’s a preconceived notion that people who are successful are equally successful at everything they do and in all areas of their lives. People who are successful often have experienced failure; not only prior to becoming successful at what they’re good at, but also in other areas. Every first attempt at anything can result in failure just as repeated attempts at the same thing can, if a person isn’t learning more and growing during the experience.

As successful as other people think I am in my business and career, many attempts I’ve made to develop different ideas and projects over the years, have failed. Some worse than others, even to the degree that they won’t be attempted again. I receive a great deal of rejection emails from companies and brands I seek support from for my events and projects. I’m averaging approximately two rejection emails per day. They are always accompanied by an explanation. The most popular being:
•We’ve already supported events for the year.
•We only support specific causes and this doesn’t qualify.
•We don’t have the personnel to assist at this time.
•You don’t have a large enough social media following.
…and the list goes on.

Not only have I learned to expect rejection, I’ve learned that I have to decide in the beginning of the project or idea that I want to pursue, exactly how I’m going to move forward without any assistance or support, so that I don’t have to rely on others who may only reject me when asked. Being prepared to handle everything alone reduces the likelihood that I will have to feel disappointed later. It’s also partly how I came to be known as Super Woman; I go it alone whenever necessary.

I’m not nearly as successful as I’d like to be and it will take a lot longer than I’d like to get there because I started my business as a second career that I never planned for. I’m literally learning about my own business every day. I know that my level of success is determined by many factors and I weigh them all; including my accomplishments and failures in other areas of my life.

There is one area of my life where I admit to being a complete failure:

Dating and relationships.

It’s just something I’m quite terrible at and I have been my entire adult life. The older and more mature I become, the more I fail at dating. It has gone from me dating a lot, without anything serious developing, to men not asking me out at all and only offering me compliments privately on social media. I’ve been on about 5 dates in the last year. Men just don’t want to court me. Of course, they also have a variety of explanations, including, but not limited to:
•”I’m not interested in dating anyone.” (wants to remain single)
•”I’m not ready for commitment.” (has commitment phobia or already in one)
•”You’re too busy for me.” (is codependent and lacks confidence)
•”I’m too busy with other things in my life.” (doesn’t want to give attention to one woman when he can have many)
•”You don’t need a man in your life.”
•”There are plenty of men who want you, so I can’t compete.”

Those last two I can’t translate any other way and are complete fabrications by the men who have said them in my opinion. I have never said that I don’t need a man and I have no idea where all these imaginary men who want me are supposedly residing or even who they are. But I digress.

Of course my friends and relatives have made considerable attempts to keep hope on life support, by telling me how awesome I am, by introducing me to single men that they assume might be interested in me and they try to make me feel better with logic by telling me:
•Men think they’re immortal so they are waiting to get married later in life. (yes, but I don’t want to date anyone my father’s age or older)
•Men are intimidated by you/your success. (sigh, it’s only going to get worse then)
•Men all just want to be players and date a bunch of different women. (doesn’t that get old eventually?)
•Men are just stupid and confused. (and?)
•Men assume you’re already taken. (why? and why not ask me?)
•Men fear rejection. (so do women, big deal)
•You’re just not meeting the right men. (where are the right men?)
•There are plenty of men wishing for a woman like you. (but they clearly can’t say so)
•Your Boaz will find you one day. (Oh, God)
•You’re still young and there’s plenty of time for marriage. (if you say so)

Regardless, whether these statements are true or not, I still fail at dating. If I can’t date anyone more than one time, how can I ever expect to get married again and have it last for the rest of my life? Whenever the rare occasion arises that I actually like a man enough to want to date him, he friend zones me indefinitely and showd no interest in dating me in return. When a man asks me out, I don’t know if I’m even on a real date or not. The few men who actually asked me out in the last year, do so inconsistently (every six months or longer) which is a clear indication that they are just not that into me. That inconsistency presents new concerns for me to contemplate because it’s been so long since I’ve seen that man. I wonder:
•What should I wear?
•Should I expect food?
•Should I be prepared to ask for separate checks?
•Should I drive myself or ask him to pick me up?
•Should I shake his hand or hug him  when I see him?
•Should I thank him when I leave?
•Is he only asking me out because he wants free book publishing?
•Is he only asking me out because he expects sex?
•Is he secretly married or in a relationship and I don’t know it?

All of that is too much to worry about and by the time I get dressed I’m a nervous wreck, for no reason at all. I don’t believe in dating for just for “fun” or to get a free meal. At the age of 40, if I give of my time, rearrange my schedule, spend time and money to get my hair and make up done, put on something impressive, leave my house and allow a man into my personal space, my goal is to find out if there’s any interest in developing a committed relationship between the two of us, over a reasonable amount of time, or not. That is my only intention at this time in my life. I can have fun and a meal with my friends, by myself or with Super Son. After all, I’m busy.

My schedule is often an excuse men like to use against me. Many men have claimed they don’t ask me out because I’m always working or going places. What they don’t realize is that my ambition was born out of me not having a reliable, consistent, interested and loyal man to share my life with. Instead of crying and complaining about being alone, or wondering what’s wrong with me, I decided to find ways to occupy that increasingly extra time in my life more productively, with hopes that it would eventually make me wealthy. My goals are an equal and opposite reaction to the rejection I’ve received during my failed dating experiences.

My bad dating experiences have altered who I am on a deeper level and changed me into a very driven, ambitious, goal-oriented, single, business woman, who is very mindful of what and whom she invests her time and energy towards. It’s a huge benefit for me in business and since I wasn’t successful at dating and relationships to begin with, I don’t see the need to change for ‘what ifs’ that may not ever materialize. To some degree I’ve even convinced myself that no matter how successful I become, how well I take care of myself (financially, spiritually, physically), how well I dress, how engaged my social media presence becomes or anything else, there’s a great possibility that I will still fail at dating and relationships. Some of the best advice I ever got from a very successful, married man (guess who that might be), was that I need a man who realizes that you are the missing element in his life and success”. However, if men don’t see me as a woman they want to combine lives with, that is something beyond my control. All I can control is making sure I don’t waste my time or energy needlessly trying to convince a man otherwise. That is time I can’t recoup and energy that I could’ve put into myself, one of my causes, or others in my life who need me.

I know that saying I’m a failure may seem to be a self fulfilling prophecy. But it isn’t. Admitting that I don’t succeed at dating actually makes me more self aware of what I am good at doing. It creates a deeper appreciation for the achievements and blessings I do have. I may be single, and bad at dating, but I am a great mother, a published author, a published writer, a business woman and I use my gifts in ways that inspire others. Would a man want to date a woman with all of that going for her? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ve discovered that some men don’t want the “next Oprah Winfrey” for a wife.

The good news is that today we don’t have to find out. Instead my energy is going where it is currently needed; into the Super Woman Brand. I’m able to focus on the opportunities coming my way and broaden my business relationships, instead of lowering my standards or wasting my time. I can’t share the details of the opportunities until the ink dries, but when I do share them, know that they have been a work in progress by myself or whomever I’m working with on them. Overnight celebrity, or Instafame, have never been my goal. My goals are bigger than that. As a result, through the practice of patience, I strongly prefer slower growth that builds strength and resilience, so I can withstand more, both professionally and personally.

The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit. ~Moliere

Valentine’s Day…The Don’ts

I’ve been single for a while now, so there are some things I don’t do traditionally. I don’t wait for men to buy me diamonds. I don’t wait on men to take me on trips and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. In my past relationships, I either had really beautiful, romantic Valentine’s Days or really horrible, ‘I’m breaking up with you after this’  Valentine’s Days. Therefore, with Valentine’s Day approaching, I wanted to share some DON’Ts that I learned over the last 20 years. This is for men and women, married couples and single people. It is to be taken with a grain of salt because everything ain’t for everybody. However, even if you disagree with the DON’Ts, they are something to consider, particularly if you’re always puzzled about the lack of romance in your relationship.

If you DON’T call, date, ask out or have interest in someone throughout the year, DON’T post Valentine’s Day greetings, pictures of flowers, candy, teddy bears, kisses, or jewelry on their Facebook wall, Twitter or send by text message. This is NOT sexy, NOT romantic and if you’re over 18 years old, NOT mature. Instead, try the REAL thing. If the person isn’t important enough for you to spend the money, don’t waste the time it takes to sign on to the computer and go to their Facebook or Twitter, or go to your phone and send the text in the first place. That is not genuinely romantic.

If you give a gift, DON’T expect to receive sex from the recipient in return. All gifts should be given based on what you think the person is worth, what the person likes and from your heart. Expecting sex in return cheapens the gift and the gesture. It doesn’t matter if the gift was the $1 million Victoria’s Secret bra or an Aston Martin. Give the gift because you wanted to.

DON’T believe that you can give an intangible gift for Valentine’s Day and that it should be appreciated by the recipient because it’s “the thought that counts“. The other person is thinking that you’re a selfish, cheap ass.

DON’T give a person something they give themselves all the time. Although it is beautiful to pay attention to what a person likes, if they treat themselves to a movie every week, taking them to the movies for Valentine’s Day is not going to earn you any cupid points.

DON’T forget the phone number to 1-800-FLOWERS. Unless someone specifically doesn’t like flowers (I know some women who don’t), this is a good number for any man who is truly a romantic at heart to have and keep stored in his phone. And guess what? They have other things besides flowers now. So if you’re a woman or your sweetie happens to have allergies or just doesn’t like roses, you can find something else there that they may like.

DON’T forget to think about what a person truly likes. If someone is an avid reader of a particular author (like Super Woman for instance), they might really appreciate the current or next book released by that author – autographed. If a person loves a particular music group, get them concert tickets or a gift card to a venue where that group is going to perform that year. This is called planning and preparation and requires paying attention to the person that you’re with. Procrastinators will have the hardest time pulling this off. They will be the ones buying big bags of candy and single roses on the street corners on February 14th.

DON’T buy big bags of candy and single roses on the street corner on February 14th. The nicest candy gift I ever received was from a guy who didn’t have Godiva Chocolatier money, but he knew that I liked colorful, assorted M&Ms, chocolate covered nuts and Raisinets. He mixed them all up in a decorative jar with a cap so that I could enjoy them at my leisure. I ate all the candy eventually, and I still have the jar.

DON’T be insensitive in your gift giving. Sometimes people are dealing this issues that no romantic gesture can solve. If a person is having a difficult time financially, and they’ve expressed it, but you give them a gift that is valued at the approximate amount of money they needed to resolve, or ease, their financial difficulty, they will probably look at you like you’re crazy because you could have just given them the cash instead. So consider the person’s needs versus trying to impress them needlessly when giving a gift. This is a good principle all year round, not just on Valentine’s Day.

DON’T overlook obvious gift possibilities. If the person has a favorite dish that they rarely have the opportunity to enjoy, and you’re a pretty good cook, or there’s a restaurant in your area that is known to serve that dish, there’s your Valentine’s Day gift! If a person is über busy and complains about not having time to get certain things done, find a service that will accommodate them or help them personally to get that task completed. DUH! Some people are simple to please but in our efforts to impress them, we over think the simplest gestures that will put a smile on their face.

DON’T give a gift that will result in additional work for the recipient. Avoid buying your girlfriend a dog if she’s never at home or travels for work. Who’s going to feed and walk Snookums? Plus, if the relationship ends, you’ll be on Judge Judy fighting over who gets to keep Snookums.

DON’T wait until the last-minute. People can tell when you didn’t put any thought or feeling into your gift and you bought the gift on the street corner that same day. You lose cupid points immediately for “forgetting” because it means that it wasn’t important enough for you to remember.

DON’T forget about the gifts that people will remember most. Sometimes people want to feel appreciated more than anything else. If you have an interest in someone or have feelings towards them, try expressing that – verbally. Cards are nice, but unless you made the card and it contains your original words and feelings or poetry inside, that card will be thrown away eventually. However, people always remember kind words and heartfelt sentiments. So tell someone what they mean to you and how you feel about them face to face. That will earn you huge cupid points and you might discover that they also have positive feelings towards you.

DON’T be selfish in your giving. DON’T be surprised, angry or bitter if you don’t receive a gift in return. It really is better to give than to receive. Giving with the expectation of getting something in return is selfish. Also, it’s possible that the recipient of your gift was surprised to get something from you to begin with and therefore, they don’t have anything for you in return. Personally, as a single woman who rarely receives gifts, I’m always surprised when I do receive one and therefore, I never have anything to give in return.

DON’T forget that old school romance still works. Romance has been put on life support by technology. Texting, Facebook and Twitter have made it not only popular, but too easy to forget about doing things the right way. Real romance comes from being attentive towards the other person’s interests, hobbies, career, thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, needs, wants and moods. One thing I find romantic is someone who is a good listener and hugger, that I can talk to, who will simply understand and support my creative, overachieving and ambitious nature.

So, this upcoming Valentine’s Day, step away from the computer, smart phone, social networking and street corner vendors, and do something different that will separate you from today’s romantically challenged norm. I even suggest that you Google “romantic gestures” and see what sparks your creativity. If you are single and you don’t have someone in your life worth the effort, or even the money, be honest with yourself about that and spend the day by yourself, loving yourself. It’s much better than “poking” someone on Facebook.

♥ Happy Valentine’s Day! ♥

Smooches