Lately, my own personal relationships have been… nonexistent… for lack of a better word. I’m single but always fall for the same type of man; the kind that doesn’t want or know how to commit but also doesn’t want to be without me. I find this so strange because I believe in giving a person what you want from them, and being honest about it, so I give myself the way I want to receive that man. However, I never seem to receive the same thing back. I give honesty, even though I know that there’s a risk of heartache. If the man doesn’t fit well with me, I tell him, so that we both can move on to someone who is more compatible. I don’t find it fair to hold a person that you know isn’t right for you, particularly for selfish reasons. Not receiving the same level of honesty or consideration in return makes a heart cold. It makes it difficult to trust a man. It builds impenetrable walls.
In dating, I’ve allowed each man to have his own unbiased opportunity to mess up. It’s his own opportunity, his actions and his consequences. Regardless of what the last man did or didn’t do, a man coming into my life receives his own clean slate. Everything he says, does, doesn’t do, will or won’t do determines how I will feel about him in the end. If he lies to me, keeps unnecessary secrets, communicates poorly, isn’t consistent in his treatment or behavior towards me, can’t be monogamous, isn’t a gentleman or anything else, it is him and him only that I judge as a result. It’s called being open-minded. Even after failure, most of these men try to come back; some more than once. But if a man ruins the first opportunity, he might not be deserving of a second. If a man ruins the second opportunity, he definitely doesn’t deserve a third.
I want a committed relationship that will eventually become a marriage. There have been many men that have shown an interest in being married to me. But they always have outrageous demands that require a great deal of sacrifice from me, and only me. They have wanted me to change into a Stepford wife – no friends, no outside interests, no hobbies, no life – whose world revolves only around them and their interests. This doesn’t work well for me because I have a lot of personal and career goals that I am striving to achieve. The role of housewife would have to come with a huge amount of financial security from that man for me to agree to give up my own hopes and dreams. I haven’t met a man with that much money yet.
This brings me to my dilemma. I’ve been single for the better part of the last ten years and my last relationship ended four years ago. I can’t seem to find a man who compliments me at all. Dating is a lot of work and requires a lot of time and energy that I don’t have much of. I’m not at all interested in online dating because I prefer organic connections, but I got rejected by eHarmony because they didn’t have anyone in their entire database that had the qualities I was seeking. What’s sad about that is that the qualities I want aren’t superficial. They are very basic in their definition, but I guess no one else is looking for the same from anyone else.
Then there are my friends. Most of whom are married. Unfortunately for me they all seem to have married men with no friends. None of their husbands know one single, eligible, good man on the entire planet. Outings with friends are very awkward when there are only couples around. I no longer want to be looked at cross-eyed because women fear I’m going to desperately hit on their husbands and boyfriends when I walk into a room. My friends don’t offer to set me up on blind dates or introduce me to single men. They just tell me to “be patient”, that “he is coming”, that I’m “still young and have plenty of time for marriage”. Really? This makes me wonder how much my friends really care about me and understand my desire for companionship. So I’m going to find out.
I’m developing my own dating reality show. I think it might be the only way I will ever have the chance to meet enough men at one time just to find one I can date. And at the very least maybe it will prevent me from being pitied at the next black tie event I attend (Awww, Sweetie, where’s your date? Are you here alone?). My friends and relatives are being volun-told to participate. No excuses. If they love me, they each will have to find a good man for me to meet and convince him to come on the show.
Now, all I need is $30,000, a co-executive producer and a television network to air it on. Then I can find my Superman.