Tag Archives: date from hell

He’s A Problem

If you’ve been following my blogs from their inception, you know that my dating life is the stuff that fiction is made from. You also know that I admit to not being talented enough as a writer to make this stuff up. I’m turning all of my mis-adventures in dating into a novel called “He’s A Problem“. I had planned to release “He’s A Problem” long before now, but I have what I initially thought was writer’s block and I have been unable to finish it.  I recently discovered that what I have isn’t writer’s block at all. Apparently, God in all His infinite wisdom, and sense of humor, apparently felt that I needed additional material to make “He’s A Problem”  a successful and entertaining read for all of you.

So I’m going to share one of the encounters that I recently had with a man, and another reason I’m single and have learned to embrace it versus trying to have something that isn’t in the Master’s Plan for my life.

A man contacted me stating that he wanted to do business with me and that he was in need of writing services for his business. We met, and I gave him a price quote based on the needs he communicated with me. During the meeting he started talking about being “friends” and “getting to know me“. Anyone who knows me, knows that when my mind is on business, that is all I care about. I gave him the nod and smile but in the back of my mind I was sayingHere we go again. Another man pretending to want to do business with me to try to get me into bed.  Over a few days, he never said if he had accepted my quote for the work to be done. His entire conversation was personal.  He kept claiming he wanted “to get to know me” and “know about what I do“.  I honestly wasn’t buying it. I had heard that same thing too often from other men who couldn’t tell you my middle name or my eye color if you put a gun to their heads.  He also called too much (every 10 – 20 minutes during the course of a few hours) and talked too much.  Both traits I find to be unattractive. If a man says he’s going to call me back later, I expect for later to actually arrive before I hear from him again. Even when he’d ask me a question, he’d interrupt my answer, not allowing me to finish a complete thought. He was a terrible listener and misunderstood almost everything I said to him resulting in arguments. I knew he wouldn’t last longer. Men always eliminate themselves when they don’t measure up, so there’s no need for me to be mean.

Now, comes the day of reckoning. I had a radio appearance coming up and I invited him to come to the radio station with me to give him the opportunity to get an idea of what I do.  Afterall, he claimed that he wanted to get to know me, right?  When I offered him this opportunity, he immediately decided that he didn’t want to wait an hour and a half with me and watch the show, so he counter offered to drop me off and pick me up. I asked him what he’d do during that time and he said “just drive around and go do something else“. Not one to argue, I agreed to letting him drop me off and pick me up. On the morning of the radio show, he sends me a text message saying ‘Good morning. Are you ready for your show? And are you going to give me gas money or pay for dinner after?’

Does anyone else see the problem with that?

If not, let me clarify:

  • Dropping me off and picking me up was his idea, not mine. I invited him to see what I do because he claimed to want to know. If I just wanted a ride, I would’ve reserved a chauffeur driven sedan instead.
  • If he didn’t have gas in his vehicle, he should have said that before the day of the radio show and I would’ve caught a taxi instead. Plus his idea to “just drive around and go do something else” for an hour and a half shouldn’t be paid for by me when he could have stayed his monkey ass at the radio station with me instead.

*exhales*

I told him he was rude, and reminded him that dropping me off and picking me up was HIS idea. He had the nerve to then say I don’t need the gas money. I just wanted to see what you would say“. Oh, really? Then he tries to text argue with me for the next hour. I wasn’t even angry. I wasn’t even surprised. He started cursing and then even called my voicemail and cursed and screamed into my voicemail saying “I’m such a man, I’ll still take you and won’t even try anything. After I stopped laughing, I thought to myself ‘Does he seriously think I would ever go anywhere with him? And what’s that supposed to mean? Was that a threat? Is he saying that I need my 9 mm?‘ Of course I told gas-money man to lose my number, don’t text me, tweet me, inbox me or even look at me on the street – ever again. I also decided to start charging and billing an hourly fee to men who book meetings with me under the guise of doing business.

Wasting my time: $250.  

The good thing about these problematic experiences with men is that they make great fiction. I’m now able to add this event to the novel, “He’s A Problemand…[drum roll please], I’m writing a short film script based on my book (∞), that will hopefully debut before the book’s publication [applause]. See. Everything works out for the best in the end. I needed to have more hilariously unbelievable and ridiculous dating experiences so that I could be creative and provide a well written and humorous book for my supporters to enjoy. I’ve even found an incredibly sexy man for my book cover and possibly to co-star in the short film. He’s multitalented and recently appeared on the Bill Cunningham daytime talk show and Divorce Court. He is quite the muse. Below is a brief look at him.

Enjoy!  

(warning: you should be 18 years old and not easily offended by sexiness to view the following video).

 Construction Worker

 

This Type of Stuff Happens Everyday

I just got back from dinner with a friend and his son. During the course of dinner the son and I have a conversation in which I disclose that I have the tendency to Google a man I meet (amongst other things to make sure that he’s not a criminal, sexual predator, pathological liar, sociopath or many other things that make you run away screaming). I make this a habit whether a man is well known or unknown; whether I meet him in public or via Internet (which is a rarity for me to do in the first place). Then I began to tell him about some of my past encounters with men I’ve met in public that make Internet dating seem like a breeze.

 
This past weekend a male friend of mine and I went clubbing and drinking. After the club, we went to a local burger spot notable known as Fuddruckers. When we walked in, we were immediately noticed. I don’t know if it was the tight, red dress I was wearing or what. I don’t try to figure that stuff out. But there were a lot of men there and most of them were without women. That doesn’t happen very often at all.  Usually there are a lot more women than men and the men are all with a woman. I picked up my order and sat at a table towards the back of the restaurant with my friend. My friend excused himself for a moment. He wasn’t gone for five solid minutes before “it” happened. The thing that happens so often it is no longer very funny.
The ugliest man in the entire room walked over to me and asked me if I was there with anyone. I immediately said “yes” and he asked again, I suppose to make sure he heard me correctly but this time asked if the person I was with was a man. I again answered “yes”. He then complimented me on my appearance and dress and sat down behind me. I guess he was waiting to see if I was lying to make him go away. Had I only wanted him to go away, I would’ve just told him I was celibate the second he looked at me (as referenced in “I Found The Button“).

“Lord, Jesus”, was all I could think once I got a full scan of this man. He stood a little above my shoulders while I was seated, smelled of several packs of cigarettes and had the teeth to confirm. His hair was not cut, clothes were not clean and he was unshaven. Had I not known better, I would’ve thought he was a homeless man that had wandered in off the street. Just then I got a text from my friend asking if I was okay. I asked him  to hurry up and come back to the table.
The one thing I noticed immediately out of my peripheral, was that all the men that had been ogling me from the time I had walked in were paying attention to this man’s attempt to approach me. They were quawking as if they were watching a live episode of a reality show featuring naked women fighting. Seriously. So as I’m writing this, seated at my computer, completely topless (TMI – I know), I began to wonder: Why do the most unattractive men think they stand a chance with a very attractive woman? And why don’t the attractive men in the room go after that woman for themselves?

Me being the person that I am, I never like to crush a man’s dreams to absolute nothingness. Just because he isn’t the man for me, it doesn’t mean he isn’t the man for someone else. Some women might gladly want a fixer-upper. I prefer my men already assembled and fully loaded with only routine maintenance required. The men watching soon turned back to the entertainment elsewhere in the room. But even after this man’s obviously failed attempts, no one else (more attractive) approached me. Was he a sentinel sent by the other men to find out if I was single? Or is he from an alternate universe where all the pretty girl’s have low self esteem? I seriously want to know. Why do less attractive men aim so high? Is it because they believe in keeping hope alive? Do they think pretty girls will have sympathy for them and give them their phone number? What exactly is it?

Attractive men often ask my for my phone number and sometimes never call at all, but the most unattractive men, along with the ones who just got out of prison and had been there nearly 20 years (I could tell by the Cross Colours outfit and Members Only jacket) or the ones that say “I like freaks” on their Facebook bios are quick as hell to approach me and would probably call if I were foolish enough to allow them. They would probably call me daily; several times a day even. I once read an article that said that women who date men less attractive than themselves have better relationships because less attractive men work harder at being attentive and pleasing. The article referenced mega-geek Bill Gates and his very attractive wife as an example. Here’s what that article was missing and failed to inform all the single women it was geared to:

Bill Gates is highly intelligent and ambitious, which resulted in him becoming a ga-zillionaire. Bill Gates is a “geek” but he obviously doesn’t have poor hygiene. The only fixing that he required was probably teaching him how to wear a suit every now and again. He didn’t require an entire system overhaul.

 
I personally love an intelligent man, with self confidence, and ambition. If he has those elements mixed with height over six feet tall, a great personality, a good sense of humor, business acumen and financial stability he stands a bigger chance with me than a man who is just nice to look at. He gets bonus points for being able to cook well, play a musical instrument and the ability to give a good massage. But if he doesn’t have any of those qualities and he smells bad, is shorter than I am, and obviously only out to try to get “some”, he stands no chance at all. Truth is this, whether women want to admit it or not (and I know I’m not alone when I say this), money and power makes men sexier than their faces actually are any day of the week. But men, if you aren’t bringing the intellect, power, money, and everything else that will make a woman overlook that Crypt Keeper face, please stop aiming for the Super Woman in the room.  

This is a true story. I said once before, my not so ideal life makes for better fiction. I couldn’t make this up if I really wanted to.

Younger Horizons

I’m not ready. I know I’m not. I’m not ready to stay at home ALL the time. I still want to travel, learn, grow and do many, many things. I’ve been dating men ten to fifteen years older than me for awhile. My friends tease me and say that men I date are all AARP members. They are older, but still sexy and in pretty good physical condition. In my experience, older men are (usually) more mature, more financially stable, and more gentlemanly; they no longer desire to have children and don’t require training in the lovemaking department. As I’m getting older (and the men are, too), I am really encountering some hotmess.com with older men. It’s making me consider shifting my gears even more towards men younger than myself.

Remember the date from hell I had a couple of months ago? He was in his early forties. The noncommittal, success seeking, Mr. Big in my life? He is in his mid-forties. Then there was the amateur photographer that I dated briefly, who once the involvement ended had the audacity to tell me that I’d never meet a man that would buy me Coney Island for breakfast like he did (in his early forties) and the man that contacted me via Facebook to tell me I was his “type of woman” and he had “I like freaks” in his bio (in his mid-forties). All of these men have made me ask this question:

Has the world gone completely crazy?

I’m very particular about who I spend my time with. It’s the number one reason why I’m single. I’m not getting any younger (I’ll be 37 years old this year), and although I’m still hot, I don’t like having my time wasted. Time is money. I refuse to give my time to someone who will take it for granted or treat it as if it holds no value. So, I keep the standards high, yet reasonable. For the last few years, I apparently have been under the mistaken idea that older men also don’t want to waste time, and would be better potential husbands because they’re ready to settle down and get married. That is so not the case. Older men are more scared, and scarred, when it comes to relationships than men in their twenties are. Although, they should really have their minds, hearts and finances together at their age, many of them, actually do not. So, what options are left for me and women like me?  

One option is younger men.

Not “teenage” younger, or college younger…just younger. And that doesn’t make me a cougar, regardless of what others think. I’m often mistaken for a twenty-something year old woman out on a date with a Sugar Daddy. I seriously doubt that if I dated a man slightly younger than I am anyone would even notice. So, I’m broadening my horizons. This is something I often tell women who ask me for dating advice to do. [Broaden your horizons. Step out of your comfort zone. Do something different.]You will never say I’m a hypocrite, because I live what I say. I will not necessarily give every younger man a chance to date me. I don’t currently give every man the chance to date me at all, regardless of his age. However, I will give men slightly younger than I am, the opportunity to show and prove more than I have in the past. That is something I’m more than capable of doing.

Only time will tell if dating younger men will result in me meeting my true Superman, or just another Bizarro.

My Not So Ideal Life Makes Better Fiction

Everyone has things they want in life. They also have their idea of what their ideal life would be like. About fifteen years ago my ideal life would have been to have had five children, a loving husband, a huge house on a lot of land and the money to afford it all. My reality was vastly different. Instead I had one child, several miscarriages, and an abusive codependent husband who gambled away the household money. Today my ideal life is also different from the reality. In my ideal life, I would be married to a man whom I could share experiences and goals with and we’d have a media empire. The reality is that I can’t meet a man worthy of dating me more than one time and I have to build the empire I want solo. But the reality doesn’t stop me from wanting more. It does, unfortunately, sometimes dampen some of the excitement. As I’m reflecting on my regrets, my dreams, my failed relationships, rejection and my ever looming single status, I do know this: although I don’t know the reasons, seasons change and my lifetime may not have the love and marriage I hoped for, my experiences make for really good stories, which will one day make me very wealthy. There’s always a silver lining to my clouds.

There’s so much of my life that I could never have made up in a million years, such as the date from hell I had earlier in April 2011. There are authors who can only talk about other people’s experiences and hope we as an audience find it realistic enough to read about. But a lot of what I have written thus far, and will write and publish forthcoming, is based on an actual situation or person I have had a personal experience with. Yes, I use my imagination to make some of it more interesting, I don’t reveal anything that I could be sued for (names for instance) and I take certain literary liberties such as changing locations and details. However, I can honestly say that some of the men I wrote about in “The Goodie Bag; The Erotic Fiction Collection” are real men. None of them were my husband; some of them weren’t even my boyfriends. They didn’t necessarily have feelings for me or me for them, but the chemistry was good while it lasted and it made for good intimacy and sex. That’s the absolute truth. Not too many women get to say that they actually fulfilled some of their fantasies. And very few men get to say they were inspiration for erotic fiction. What is most interesting to me is that the men who inspired some of my work haven’t even bothered to read it. That’s too bad for them because according to male customers who have bought and read “The Goodie Bag”, it’s a very good read.

If nothing else, although my experiences haven’t always been pleasant, and I don’t have my ideal life (and I don’t always feel positive that I ever will), but my experiences combined with my talent will take me places. Maybe some of those places will be Paris, Dubai, Morocco and Rio. It would be nice to share it all with a man who loves me, and whom I love in return. And if not, my not-so-ideal life will still make for better fiction, that I hope will lead to everything else I’d like my media empire to be made of.

It Happened One Night… A Hot Mess

It finally happened.  Something I have often dreaded as a single woman.  Something I had only heard of but had not experienced firsthand. This weekend, I had the date from hell. What I thought would be simply casual dining and getting to know someone better, turned into something from a “National Lampoon’s” movie. Each step through the ordeal, I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out of nowhere telling me I had just been “punked”. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. And oh, how I wished it had. It would’ve at least provided a logical explanation for the whole situation, which began with a phone call at approximately 6:20 pm on Sunday evening and ended, thankfully at around10:00 pm. What makes this even worse is that the poor man didn’t have a clue of how terrible the date was. He actually thought I’d be interested in seeing him again. By 8 pm, I had already decided that was not going to happen. By 8:30 pm, I was thinking I should’ve stayed home and ate the home baked chocolate cupcakes I had made earlier instead. He was a fix-a-man; someone that had way too many issues at his age, for me to even consider dating him. Primarily since the purpose of me dating is to meet someone I can eventually marry.  As I sucked down my grand patron margarita with vigor, I thought, “this is some bull****. Is this what the dating pool has been reduced to? Is this why I’m single at 36? Is this all that’s left of the men for me to choose from?”

If the evening hadn’t been so ridiculously absurd that it made me laugh, I think I would’ve cried. Especially since there is a man in my world that I truly adore, and I would much rather be with, that just doesn’t view a committed relationship as a possibility in his life right now. As a result, I still “casually date” in order to have brief companionship more often than once a month. As I listened to this man tell me about his family, his dog, and his problems, I thought about my sister friends that are blessed to be in a relationship and all the women who complain about minor things in their relationships and marriages. They have no idea how good they have it. I want someone to wear his shoes in the house, take up too much room in the bed, and leave dishes in the sink overnight. I pray for someone that I have things in common with, someone I can improve my golf handicap with, someone I can have intelligent conversation with, someone I can go on vacations with. I long for someone that will be happy to see me, hug me and kiss me; someone who wants to do those things everyday for the rest of his life. But that’s not what I have. So I’m left to muddle through this very shallow, disappointing dating pool as a single woman for Lord knows how long. I have one online profile where the men are only 80% matches (translation – 50%) and I’ve even sent in an application for assistance from the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger herself.  I have my personal goal of being married by age 40. That looks so impossible from where I sit today, especially after this weekend.

As usual, I will make lemons out of lemonade. This recent misadventure in dating will be added to my upcoming novel “He’s A Problem” that I plan to release the summer of 2011. So all of you will have the chance to laugh with me and some of you will surely relate to me. Real life is often stranger than fiction and this particular date was such a hot mess that I couldn’t make it up if I had wanted to.

To the married women – Please take the time to count your blessings. If your spouse is not abusive, addicted or have a criminal record, please appreciate him for all of who he is, including his faults. You are with him, hopefully, because you are equally yoked with him. Being single in your thirties is hard and it only gets harder the older you become. Don’t waste time finding fault in the marriage you are blessed to have when there are women like me who don’t get a chance at love.