I was in the hair salon yesterday, reinventing myself again, when this young lady came in to make an appointment for herself. After some conversation with her and my hair stylist, it was discovered that this young lady thought that she had a relationship dilemma. She had a man in her life who wanted a relationship with her. He had told her and shown her in numerous ways. He had done all the things that men do when they want a woman in their lives as more than a pretty accessory; he had taken her to his friends’ weddings, introduced her to his friends and relatives, spent quality time with her, even though he lived in another state. If you’re single like me, you realize that often a man can live down the street from you and you will never see or hear from him. Here she was with a man that clearly loved her and wanted to care for her. But she was indecisive about her role in his life. Men know when they want a woman in their lives and they know sooner than they are often willing to admit. On average, they know within thirty to ninety days of spending time with that woman. This man had waited for her for a full year. I asked her was there anything bad she could say about him and her response was ‘No’. Then I asked her did she think he was just too good to be true and she said ‘Yes’. Ah-ha! THAT was the REAL dilemma.
So many of us have been defrauded and betrayed in relationships that we develop a very unhealthy sense of cynicism. We believe that because of everything negative that we have previously experienced in our relationships that everyone we meet with be a repeat of the same negative energy – over and over again. Without realizing it, we talk ourselves out of a good thing. We sabotage our own happiness because we do not believe in its existence.
This young lady reminded me of myself SO much. We’re even born under the same astrological sign – Capricorn. But the biggest difference between she and I is that I’m almost six years older than she is and I do not have someone in my life that treats me the way her man treats her. Yes, I told her that he is her man, but she’s the only person that doesn’t know it. I don’t know what I’d be willing to give to have a man love me to that same degree or greater. I’d love to have someone to share my achievements with, my ideas with, and my life with. I’d love to be in her shoes and many other women would also. I told her that there are women somewhere who would sit on top of rooftops with sniper rifles to get the man that she has. Even though I often feel like I’m being held hostage as a single woman, I’m surrounded by people with healthy relationships and good marriages. Therefore, I have a pretty good idea of what one looks like. I told her to go get her man and the other women in the salon agreed.
It’s disheartening that for so many of us we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. We constantly believe that a person is just too good to be true and that their motives are to create harm and pain in our lives. We let our pasts hinder our ability to love and trust. We aren’t receptive to that level of emotion. We are unable to be vulnerable out of fear. We forget that other person is also a person, who may be just as nervous and fearful about us as we are about them. We talk ourselves out of a good thing.
I’m speaking about myself as well. I’m known for talking myself out of a good thing. I’ve had so many painful relationships and I’ve been rejected so often that meeting a good man who has the capacity to love me sounds like an urban legend. I over analyze gestures of admiration and wonder ‘why’ about almost every little thing. However, I’m learning that when there isn’t anything wrong, you shouldn’t create something wrong in your mind, just so that you can be right about there being something wrong. If there is in fact something wrong it will manifest on it’s own without you applying energy to it. I’m trying to be more open to that part of me that wants love so that I can accept it when it arrives. That doesn’t mean that I turn my bullshit meter off. It just means that I need to stop talking myself out of a good thing. Maya Angelou said “When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” A person that isn’t good for you will show themselves to you. The person that God made for you will also do the same. All you need to do is believe them.