Tag Archives: priorities

No Sex in My City

Rejection is so difficult to take. Primarily from someone you love or care for. Especially when you know you have done your best, been yourself and given so much to that person, but they still reject you. This weekend I decided that I no longer want to be Carrie Bradshaw and he is not Mr. Big. If you’re a fan of “Sex and the City“, you know what I mean. For years Carrie and Big had this on again, off again, heartbreaking, emotional tug of war between them. I think in television time, this tug of war may have lasted for approximately ten years, beginning when Carrie was still in her thirties, and it climaxed with them finally getting married at the end of “Sex and the City: The Movie“, and becoming Mr. and Mrs. John James Preston. And yes, I was very happy for Carrie. All of her hard work and heartache had finally resulted in a return on her investment. Big had finally come to his senses and married the woman who he had cheated on his previous wife with and had dated off and on for a number of years in between enjoying his bachelor days.  At this stage in my life and in this dating game, I can’t be Carrie.

I think I may have fallen in strong “like” with someone. It started as a crush a number of years ago. But I never thought that I’d actually meet this man. Then last year, what I thought was impossible, happened. For the last nine and a half months (long enough for human beings to conceive and a woman to give birth to a baby), he and I have been Carrie and Big. He’s the same man I’ve mentioned in some of my other blogs. The major difference between us and them is that Big took Carrie out in public with him on numerous occasions. Carrie met Big’s associates, some of his friends, and they went to various types of events. In spite of Big’s issues with commitment, he seemed to enjoy spending time with Carrie and being with her publicly, and showing her affection. I was not so lucky. Two dates in public in nine and a half months. That’s all I got. That’s all he thought I was worth. His excuse? The same excuse a lot of men have. Money and the lack of it. Strangely, he had enough money to go to the movies, he played golf, and he went on trips. Not once, did he think to invite me to join him. Not once was I important enough. I invited him to attend the upcoming BravoBravo! event at the Detroit Opera House in June. He declined my invitation, telling me that he doesn’t go to parties because he’s been there, done that…blah, blah, blah. However, this past weekend, guess what he did? He went to a party. Without me. And he texted me to tell me where he was. So you can clearly see where this is going? In case you don’t, let me tell you.

I dumped him – again. Yes, I said “again”. This was already his second chance in nine and a half months. In January of this year, he asked for the opportunity to spend more time with me, but he apparently had other things he wanted from me. He obviously doesn’t care about my feelings or how his actions affect those feelings. A few weeks ago he said that people should have relationships that benefit them. He told me our [non-committed] relationship allowed him to have someone to spend his time with because he is human and needs companionship. I told him that a benefit for me would be him doing more with me and supporting my endeavors and attending parties with me, even though it’s not something he “does” anymore. He told me he’d think about that. I got his answer this weekend. His answer was to go to a party, without me.

He and I would’ve made a great team, but unfortunately for him, he has tunnel vision and doesn’t see that as a possibility. He’s more focused on his career and doesn’t notice how one area of a person’s life is connected to another. Career not where you want it to be and your personal relationships fail? There might be a connection there. Nine and a half months ago I would’ve been more than glad to have a business relationship with him had he approached me with that as an option, but he didn’t. I would’ve even been open to just having a sexual relationship, had he told me that was all he wanted. But he didn’t. Honesty ~ it’s a good thing and it allows a person to decide if they want to be bothered or not. Instead he dosed me with a facade. The same facade he dosed himself with as he told me repeatedly that sex wasn’t all he wanted from me. Amazingly, his actions reflect that sex is the only purpose he thought I served for him, whether he wants to admit it [to himself] or not. He didn’t want a committed relationship, a business relationship and he didn’t want to be seen in public with me. Those were not his words, those were his actions. Is he remorseful? Not likely. He probably feels that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was honest about his whereabouts this weekend… so he gets a half a point for that.  But he gets an “F” for everything else.

So I did what Carrie has done to Big so many times in the past. I walked away from him. But unlike Carrie, it would probably take an Old Testament Act of God to convince me to go back. After all, this is my real life, not a character’s on television, and I lack the patience to wait for nothing to ever develop. How do I know that nothing would ever develop between me and him? Easy, it has already been nine and a half months. Men don’t need an eternity to know if they love a woman or want to have a relationship with her or not. He’s already 46 years old and I’m 36. If he doesn’t appreciate me, respect my feelings or care about hurting me today, staying around him isn’t going to convince him to change his behavior towards me. It will just give him license to continue to take advantage of me. I figure he doesn’t want me in his life today, it is unlikely to change in ten years. At the very least, this city girl, deserves someone who genuinely does want to be with me – in private and in public.

Adjustments

Making adjustments isn’t easy.  It requires that you have information to make an informed decision so that you can facilitate change within yourself.  It’s also referred to as compromise.  So often our only focus is ourselves and we don’t look at how our decisions impact others, and how refusing to adjust can cause us to lose something, or someone, of value to us. No one can have exactly what they want one hundred percent of the time. As human beings rejection is often a part of life and expected to some varying degree. But when dealing with others, if you find yourself always saying “no” and you never offer an alternative or a compromise, you will find yourself isolated.  No one wants to be rejected all of the time.

Making adjustments also requires being selfless. This is often most difficult for people who have a life plan that they want to focus on where they have made minimal room for the “what if’s” that life throws their way. These are the people who will only consider a relationship when they have made a certain amount of money, lived to a certain age or achieved a certain level of education. These are the people who will not travel outside of their immediate neighborhood, city or state for potential opportunities because they “want” to remain where they are. These are the people who only go to certain places or participate in certain activities because they are afraid to leave their comfort zones. They sit – stagnant in one place – the one place they think they need to be in – for the remainder of their lives. They experience little growth and unfortunately not as much success as they could. They forget that they don’t control every aspect of life and that change is occurring all around them.

Making adjustments in relationships requires compromise. Someone I know is relentlessly adamant about not getting involved in a committed relationship. However, he seems to think he should reap the benefits that come with one. He wants the intimacy, the affection, and the home cooked meals. However, he doesn’t want to give any woman a commitment in return. His reason? He says a commitment isn’t included in his priorities. He doesn’t want that to change and he’s already over forty-five years old. I wonder what he would do if an amazing woman came into his life that was willing to do all of those things for him, and more, but would only do them if he would commit to her. Would he decide that since he hasn’t “planned” for her arrival that he needs to pass her by? If everything about her complimented him as a man and enhanced his happiness, would he still reject her? How long would he expect that same woman to continue being involved with him, knowing that he will never commit to her? If she gave him a day, he should feel blessed to have had that.  He hasn’t made room for the “what if’s” in life. As a result, when he’s fifty-five years old, he may still be where he is today.  Hopefully, he will one day learn to make adjustments and compromise more. If not, he will likely miss out of something wonderful in his lifetime.  Humans aren’t immortal, even when we think we are.  At some point, time passes us by.

We don’t have the luxury of having our plans fulfilled exactly when we want them to. Everything happens for a reason. Good, bad and indifferent, often unexpectedly.  Meeting people, changing careers, moving to another state: these are all things that shape our lives and can do so for the better, if we are willing to make adjustments and compromise. It doesn’t take much and it can make a world of difference in the quality of life for you and for someone else.

Getting Ready

This weekend is a big weekend for me.  I’ll be having a book signing  for “The Goodie Bag; The Erotic Fiction Collection” at the First Fridays After Work Affair on Friday, March 4, 2011at Ambiance Lounge, 211 W Congress, Downton Detroit, from 5:30 pm to 9:30 pm.  I’ll also be presenting my business to the public at the I’m Every Woman Expo on Saturday, March 5, 2011at the Silver Garden Event Center, 24350 Southfield Road, Southfield, MI from 10 am to 3 pm.  Needless to say, I’m a little nervous.  I’ve been getting ready; from hair to clothes, to making sure I have my brochures, books, and information together.  Of course Murphy’s Law is coming into play.  Anything that can go wrong, will.  But I’m working through it.  These last few weeks have been full of “tests” and I’m determined to pass them all.

Super Son was recently accepted to attend Clark Atlanta University in the Fall.  He’s been blessed tremendously since he didn’t work the plan I set out for him.  He still has three other colleges we hope to hear from before he makes a final decision – which is based solely on who is offering the most scholarships to him for his attendance.  However, he hasn’t been as proactive as I would have liked for him to be when it comes to getting ready for college.  It’s been stressful on me because I trusted him to get ready for this transition in his life.  I thought he’d be looking forward to it.  I might have been wrong.  But his options are few. He won’t have the opportunities that I had because my path is my own, and his is his own.  At the same time, I do expect great things from him, because he is Super Son.  And to whom much is given, much is required.  I expect him to do his due diligence and prepare himself for his future.  He can’t expect Super Mom to always be there to instruct him or remind him of his responsibilities.  After all, to be fair, I have additional responsibilities that I will have to maintain long after he has left for college.

So last night, I spent  quite a bit of time explaining to Super Son why he should’ve gotten ready last summer, like I told him to.  I also showed him how he has inflated the stress in his life by not being proactive and doing what was asked of him several months ago.  As I was doing this, I was going over his acceptance package and his financial aid with him.  I don’t know how much the Fed will expect me to contribute towards his education yet, but I do know that I will need to sale a whole lot of books to pay my share of the $18K per year college tuition at Clark Atlanta University… or any other school that may accept him between now and May. 

The plan was changed. Now we have to adapt to a new plan.  We have to get ready…again.

It could be a lot worse.  Super Son has never been a problem child, he’s never spent a minute in handcuffs or used drugs.  He isn’t chasing girls more than he’s doing homework and his teachers don’t seem to have a problem with him.  I think he’s realizing how important it is for him to get ready ahead of time, instead of waiting until the last minute, hoping that by osmosis things will go his way.  I think he got a reality check.

While I was preaching to him, I still had my own “to do list” to complete for this weekend.  This weekend isn’t all I have to get ready for.  I have another expo in Chicago at the end of March, and another expo in April in Metro Detroit.  I have to get my finances together because I need my marketing materials ordered and reordered, my hotel room reserved, additional books printed, hair appointments made, clothes selected and I have to inform as many people as possible of my upcoming appearances. 

How do I manage it all? It’s not easy. But I was built for this.  So, I chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, while I put the work in. 

For to whom much is given, much is required. 

It’s time to get ready.

This Woman’s Work

This woman’s work is never done.  That is why I’m Super Woman. 

I give a lot to others and I expect a lot in return.  I don’t believe in putting my name on, or behind anything or anyone that can not stand and deliver, regardless of the amount of money involved.  I believe in protecting The Brand.  The Brand will be my legacy.

I do a lot of this on my own.  I am the talent, the  publisher, the CEO, the marketing rep and the publicist.  However, I credit several aspects of making Super Woman come to life to those Super individuals I surround myself with.  They inspire me to do more and reach higher.  They also keep me on solid ground and realistic.  They protect my sanity so that I can protect The Brand.  I am the responsible party in this endeavor.  This is my work.

This woman’s work isn’t always easy.  In fact, it is often very challenging and not always rewarding.  I’ve had to eliminate people from my life because they didn’t want the best for me or because they didn’t believe in me.  I’m constantly being tested with unexpected circumstances.  This year has held several tests for me so far and it’s only February.  My car was stolen, my books were stolen as a result, which resulted in some financial pressure for my household.  I had to operate my business with less and still maintain my household.  Once that hurdle was jumped,  I was immediately faced with another unexpected financial circumstance because of human error on the part of a tax preparer from two years ago.  I managed to get that resolved within a couple of days without acting “out of pocket”.  However,  it will take up to four weeks for me to receive reimbursement.  In the meantime, I still need the money.  Today, I had a minor issue with my printer and the copies of The Goodie Bag I just received.  Hopefully, that will be resolved today, as well and without me having to act “out of pocket”.  The good news is that the event that I was supposed to present The Goodie Bag at this weekend was postponed to a later date. 

Someone I care for told me today that this woman, is being “tested”.  I fully agree.  I believe that I am being tested.  I don’t know if it is God testing my faith and resilience or if it is Satan testing my belief  in God.  Either way, I know I am being tested.  This woman’s work is a test.  Who better to be tested than Super Woman?

In retrospect, I don’t really mind the test.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Even the things we don’t want to happen have a purpose. I also believe that I am blessed and highly favored.  I believe that anything worth me having will take hard work and perserverance on my part.  I don’t expect this journey to be easy.  I am not naive in the expectation that life and all that it includes will ever be easy.  My life has never been easy.  I’ve been through all kinds of bumps and bruises in my life thusfar.  The beautiful thing is that bumps and bruises do heal.  Some last a little longer than others, but they heal with prayer and strength.  

Because my life hasn’t been easy, I actually expect challenges along the way.  Without those challenges I wouldn’t know how to recover.  Without those challenges, I wouldn’t know how to move forward.  Without those challenges I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today.  I wouldn’t be Super Woman.  And this woman’s work would be in vain.

So I do what I always do. I resolve the issues to the best of my ability, I ask for help resolving the issues, if necessary, and I keep it moving forward.  I don’t pity myself.  If I feel the need to cry, I cry and get it over with.  I pray over the issues and ask for God’s hand and guidance in the resolution of any challenges that I may face.  I thank God for him adjusting my life to fit His plan, so that I can achieve the greatness that I am built for.  Then I look forward to the next day… and the day after that… and the day after that.  It is in divine order for me to do this, or it wouldn’t have come to fruition.  Why do I do it? Because this woman’s work isn’t easy.  If it were easy,  everyone could do it, but everyone can’t.  So I do it.  Because it’s what I do.

Evolution…

One definition of evolution is a pattern caused by movement. Another is the gradual development of something into a more complex or better form. There are many stages to evolution for an individual. Some people evolve slowly and consistently, others have spurts of evolution. Evolution can take place in our minds, our hearts, our bodies, our finances, our careers, and our relationships. We are ever-changing as people. How you accept and adapt to those changes make the difference in the quality of your life.

If we do not evolve, what is the alternative? What happens to people who do not evolve? We all know someone whose life is stagnant and depressing. They have been saying and doing the same negative, unproductive things for years. Some are in abusive relationships; some have addictions but do not believe in recovery or redemption. Some have extreme financial problems, or are not growing in their careers or improving their personal relationships. They have been unhappy for years. Yet, they don’t make changes in their patterns of behavior or accept changes that occur naturally that can make their lives better. They are constantly complaining about what they don’t have, but they aren’t working towards changing their circumstances. They are waiting for someone else to come along and “rescue” them from themselves. The best evolution is not a forced evolution by others, but one that is initiated by self.

Ted Williams is a recent example of this to a degree. The man has had a tremendous amount of hardship in his lifetime. However, some of it he is personally responsible for. No matter what anyone does for him at this time in his life, he has spent many years of his life not evolving. He has not been the best example of a father or husband. He also has suffered from addiction. He’s been homeless for a number of years and was “discovered” singing while panhandling on a street corner.

Prior to the World learning of Ted Williams, he worked in radio in Columbus, Ohio for a period of time. I’m sure people in and around Columbus, Ohio may remember him and have even wondered what happened to him, not realizing that they were driving past him as he stood on the street. But how much was Ted Williams working to do on his own to change his situation? Why hadn’t his family welcomed him back home if he was clean and sober? Would he still be on that street corner if Doral Chenoweth hadn’t spotted him and pulled out his Flip Cam? These are just a few questions that come to my mind. A lot of people are talented. They work very hard to get to where they want to be and never receive the types of “offers” that Ted Williams has. Why do we celebrate him, more than he celebrates himself? We love an underdog, but isn’t a young man struggling to pay for college on his own, also an underdog?

The reality is this: Until Ted Williams wants to evolve, all of the job opportunities, television interviews, accolades and compliments will not change his life for the better. He could easily regress back into his addiction (allegedly he already has) and go back to panhandling on that same street corner. We can sit in awe of his amazing voice as much as we want to. We can pray for him daily, offer him opportunities, money and support. However, until Ted Williams prays for himself, and becomes self-motivated to change his life for the better, then takes the steps necessary himself, he will soon be forgotten about and be replaced by the next “discovery”. While the young man struggling to pay for college, will graduate and become successful because of his self-determination and the World won’t even notice.

Days Like This I Need a Cloning Machine

Life is full of changes.  I’m excited by all of the opportunities coming my way, but there are some days, like today, when I wish that I had a cloning machine.  I’m preparing for a lot of different things all at the same time.  To add pressure to the pot, I’m suffering from a cold.  I earned the name Super Woman because I’m always multi-tasking and I’m able to do it seamlessly.  It’s my dream come true and more than I imagined.   However, there are days when I wish there were at least two more exact duplicates of myself whom I could delegate tasks to.  Since I’m meticulous in my approach and everything I do must be done to the best of my ability, it’s difficult for me to delegate tasks to others who may not treat my ideas with the same sense of priority.  For me everything is a priority – even if it has to be delayed, it never really is.  It’s just re-prioritized to another level to be revisited later after something else is completed.  That’s the method to my madness.

I’m not alone in my need for a cloning device.  There are women like me everywhere who have a ton of things that need to get done and who would also like to have a clone of themselves capable of helping them.  They are mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, counselors, chauffeurs, coaches, teachers, physiologists, referees and chefs; everyday all day long.  Women – we do it all and we do it well.  A cloning device would help a lot of us in our day to day lives.  Unfortunately, the technology has yet to catch up with the need.  Or has it?  That’s the beauty of supply and demand.  If you build it, they will buy.   

I have been blessed to have a tightly knit team of Super friends who are very supporting of my endeavors and they help to keep all of this crazy that is I, in check.  But I can’t take advantage of them because they also have their own families, careers, goals, and endeavors that they need to apply their own energy to as well.  That is the common thread that explains why they are my Super friends. 

On days like this I have to plan, plan, and plan some more to get things done.  I call on those who are able, and have to time to do something for me.  I barter and negotiate to get things done.  I try to remember to eat, squeeze in some meditation and prayer and try to exercise also.  I plug into my mp3 player for focus because I can’t work in dead silence.  I drink my green or chai tea and take by vitamin B12.  I operate on as much sleep as I possibly can get and vow to rest when I’m rich; preferably in the Caribbean.  Then when all is said and done I thank God, get up and do it all over again the next day.  

Until cloning technology is available, and harmless, I will continue to do what I do; put all of myself into my tasks to turn out a good product/service.  I will continue to lose sleep, forget to eat, do too much too often in an effort to do it all.  It’s what I do.  It is who I am.   After all, I am Super Woman and to whom much is given, much is required. 

…but a cloning device would really help. ♥