Tag Archives: confidence

Change and Choices – Part 2

We are the common denominator in all of our personal relationships.  If your personal and intimate relationships are all negative and unhealthy, you have to look more closely at yourself to determine why you are attracting those types of people.  You attract what you and who you are.  The better person you strive to be individually, the better caliber of people you will attract in return.  That’s the basic law of attraction.  Unfortunately, we’ve been taught that opposites attract, so often we will give someone completely opposite of ourselves “a chance”.  However, the Good Book tells us that we should be equally yoked to our mates.  That means that the person we regard as partner in life and marriage should be someone that complements us and enhances us; not someone who is the opposite of us.  It is true that a person may have some opposite personality traits, but that is not the same as being an opposite person.  We take opposites attracted more literally as in one person has steady employment and the other can not hold a job for more than six months.  That is not a health opposition between two people.  That factor will always create financial difficulties in the relationship.  Financial problems are the greatest reason for divorce.  So why would you want that type of relationship to begin with? 

Instead, we need to begin to look at people who are like-minded and like-hearted.  You can not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same type of relationship you want.  If a person doesn’t believe in monogamy, marriage and commitment, there is nothing you can do to convince that person otherwise.  That person’s mindset is based on their experiences.  The only thing you can do is respect their mindset and move on.  By staying in that situation you are only hindering yourself from becoming connected to someone else who shares your values and mindset. 

For example, if a man tells a woman that he only wants to be “friends with benefits”, the woman then has the information to make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to have the same type of relationship.  If the woman agrees to that type of relationship, that particular man will likely not ever see her as anything more than a “friend with benefits”.  The odds that he will become committed to her and marry her are very, very slim.  That is the truth of the situation.  However, some women will agree to a “friends with benefits” relationship with the expectation that the relationship may evolve into more if she can get him to change his mind.  The chances are a lot greater that it will not.  On the flip side, if the woman tells that man that she is not interested in being “friends with benefits” because she would prefer to cultivate a long term committed relationship, the woman can then freely move on to someone else who is more like-minded.  The same is true of a man who wants committed relationship but the woman does not. 

Many of my male friends have told me that men only do what women allow them to get away with.  Women can not make men change their minds or hearts as long as we allow them to categorize us however they choose to instead of respecting our desires.  You have to be willing, able and unafraid to walk away, anytime you know that the person you are dealing with doesn’t want what you want.  It is often difficult, but the reward is the retention of your own dignity.  It is more difficult to move forward if you are holding onto something that isn’t meant to be.  Also, being willing and able to walk away will make a man have more respect for you in the long run, regardless of whether you ever have a relationship with him or not. 

Remember: You are the only person who can facilitate change in your heart and your mind.

Reaping a Bad Harvest

Karma.  It is a word used in the Hindu and Buddhist philosophies.  Its definition is the quality of someone’s current and future life as determined by that person’s previous behaviors.  The Good Book says, “You reap what you sow”.  The principles are the same.  You get what you give.  If you give heartache, drama and pain, at some point in your lifetime, the same will be returned to you, often in higher doses that are much more difficult to swallow. 

As I embark on this journey that is the fulfillment of God’s plan for me, I’m finding that I have to be very mindful about who I select to spend my personal time with and whom I allow into my inner circle.  Most of those people are loyal and understanding.  They know that my dreams are important to me and they support me completely.  Although I’m not yet at the level of success I am striving to obtain as the next reigning Queen of All Media, it’s just over the horizon because I’m working towards it.  As a result of my future plans for myself and Super Son, I’m very selective, especially when it comes to my interpersonal relationships with men.      

Before I began on this journey I had some painful relationships with the men in my life.  I had been rejected and heartbroken, even battered and abused.  I have healed from that and it made me a much better judge of character.  Now I can tell when man is a problem a lot earlier, sometimes even when I first look at him.  Even the men that weren’t problems have still caused me pain to some degree, even if unintentionally.  Then there are those few who know that they made absolutely no attempt to treat me well and they tried to take my kindness for weakness.  Those are the men who seem to think they always deserve another chance in my life – especially now.  Now that I’m in the Google search engine, my phone tings and rings from the “past loves”.  Those are the men who toss the word love into their text messages without fully understanding how to show love.  Now they see that everything I ever dreamed about is coming to fruition.  Everything they told me I would never be, I am becoming.  And they want back in the game. 

I find it most interesting that these same men, since ending their relationships with me, are having difficulty in their careers, with their families, with their finances, with their new woman; regardless of their level of education, upbringing or social status.  They are all suffering in one way or another.  The men who told me I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough or I didn’t make enough money to be their wives, are still single, and a lot older.  The women they pursue now mistreat them.  They are all reaping their harvest and it is rotten.  Attempting to invade my garden will not clear up their karma.  If they now know better, they have to do better.  The first step is not telling me what they think I want to hear in hopes that they can resuscitate what has died.  The first step is recognition of what they’ve done, followed by a sincere apology.  On the other hand, the men who treated me well are happy, successful, have financial security and very little drama in their lives, if any at all.  Their harvest is bountiful because they treat people well in their lives.  If any of these men wanted a second chance at a relationship with me, I would gladly consider it. 

When a person sets out to treat others with compassion and respect, kindness and understanding they often reap the benefits of those good relationships.  When a person is honest and considerate without being condescending or demeaning, they often receive respect from others.  When a person operates with integrity and good character, it’s a lot easier to accept them as an individual regardless of what you may dislike about their personality.  When a person shows you that they care for you with their actions, you can believe them when they say “I love you”.   These are the same people who are fully realized, happy individuals with good Karma.  And I am happy for them.   

I know that my life is a road trip, full of interesting stops along the way.  However, I can’t drive forward, if my car is in reverse.  I can’t fulfill my heart’s desire for mutual love if I allow those who do not love me to inhabit that space.  I give to others and I’m being blessed in return.  As I compare the two types of men I’ve had in my life, I am thankful for both.  They have helped make me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  To those who were loving and supportive, regardless of how it ended between us, I’m thankful for the experience and friendship.  To those who tried to break me, damage me, belittle me and who doubted me, I appreciate you also.  Because now I am fabulous.  And the best revenge is to be fabulous.      

I encourage you to be mindful of how you treat each other.  Be careful of how you treat those whom you profess to love.   Love is an action word, not a filler in place of remorse.  You only get one life and you don’t want to spend it reaping a harvest full of bad Karma.

I Want it All

I want it all.  I want wealth, good health, a profitable business, and love.  I want everything.  I want it all.  Does that make me greedy?  Someone else’s perception may be “yes” because they don’t believe a person can have everything they want in life.  Am I selfish?  Absolutely.  This is my world, my life, my goals, my dreams, my effort and my energy.  Someone else’s perception is that I am selfish if I believe that this is my world.  I’ve learned that people perceive based on their own personal experiences, not necessarily yours.  Wanting everything may be equivalent to being greedy to one person, but to me it’s equivalent to being ambitious.  Believing this world belongs to you or that it’s “all about you” may be considered selfish to one person, but it’s being aware of one’s own worth and responsibility to me. 

This is my world.  However, I share it with others.   I’m aware that any actions I take, or don’t take, directly affect me, and then residually affect others.  I am responsible for my world.  This is my life.  It was given to me to live.  If I don’t live my life fully, another human being will not give me a second opportunity to live.  There are no stunt doubles in real life.  When I die, it is very unlikely that everyone else on Earth will die with me.  Others will still remain to continue on without me.  My life is my own responsibility. 

These are my goals and my dreams.  Although other people may have similar goals and share similar aspirations, whether my goals are aligned with theirs or not, if I do not achieve my goals or dreams, it will not prevent them from achieving theirs.  I am responsible for how far I’m willing to go to succeed.  This is my effort and energy.  How I utilize my effort and energy determines what I do or don’t receive from it.  If I fail, who will fail with me?  If I fail, who will fail because of me?  I can’t name one person whose success is directly affected by mine or lack thereof, not even my child.  If I fail to work on my projects, that is my fault alone.  Others can encourage me and support me, but they aren’t responsible for doing all of the work for me.  If you don’t work, you don’t eat, right?  Therefore, if I starve, I am responsible.

That is not to say that we don’t need each other.  Every human being needs companionship, support and admiration.  It’s innate.  But we have to always be cautious not to put responsibilities on others that aren’t theirs.  No one else is responsible for making your dreams and goals come to fruition.  No one else can live your life for you.  No one else can do the work for you and expel the energy required to make your world what you desire it to be.  And yes, God, or whomever you refer to as your Higher Being, is in control of our paths and we must submit to His will.  But God’s will is not for us to fail, or suffer, or go hungry, or be unhappy.  We have to be responsible for our share.  We have to improve upon what we’ve been given.  If we don’t, we don’t have anyone to blame but ourselves. 

Everything you truly need in life to be successful, to be happy, to be wealthy, and to be loved – you already possess.  Even if someone else’s perception is that you have nothing.  Prove them wrong. 

Strive for everything.  This is your world.

Define Yourself

If you’re like me, you can recall many times that you were rejected in your lifetime.  We’ve all felt rejection.  The job you applied for but you were told that someone else received it because you lacked experience.  The promotion that you were working towards, that someone “less qualified” received.  The line of credit that you needed at the time, but your credit score was less than stellar.  The man or woman that told you that you didn’t make enough money, drive a nice enough car or physically appeal to them.  I’ve been there, too.  I was there myself yesterday…last month…last year.

I’ve learned that the other person’s opinion of your worth is just their opinion.  Every person has an idea in their mind before you walk through the door of what they want and expect.  They want you to live up to their idea and expectations, before they even see you.  Often their ideas and expectations can’t be altered because they are unwilling to compromise.  That is fine.  Everything ain’t for everybody.  There are those rare occasions when you will walk through the door and someone will think you are everything they want; you’re the ideal employee to fill that position, the right fit for that promotion, the type of person they want a relationship with.  Whether you meet a person’s expectations or not doesn’t define you or your worth.  Only you can do that.

You start defining yourself by knowing what your gifts are.  Everyone has skills and talents bestowed upon them.  Some of us have had them nurtured by our parents and teachers at a young age, so we are well aware of what those skills and talents are.  Some of us have been downtrodden by life and told that we are less than what God made us to be, therefore we’ve never examined our full potential.  Either way, it’s never too late to nurture what you have been given.  Allow your talents and skills to be honed and you begin redefining your life.  A couple of years ago, I attended an event where I heard Susan L. Taylor, Editor Emerita of Essence Magazine speak.  She said one thing that stuck with me to this day, “Everyone is here on purpose, with purpose”.

You also define yourself by what you do, even when no one is looking.  Your integrity is an essential part of who you are.  Crowd pleasers and “Yes Men” have to rely on the thoughts of others for their survival and success.  Are you a follower who does what others do, even when you know it’s wrong?  Do you have an opinion behind closed doors, but when you’re allowed the opportunity to speak up and make changes, you slink in the corner?  Or are you a leader, who sets an example of what should be done because it’s the right thing to do, who isn’t afraid to speak up for the greater good, even when others rise against you?  My grandfather, Leon L. Jones, raised me until he died when I was twelve.  One of the household principles he instilled in me was a twist on a well known phrase.  Back in the day, people who were trying to live above their means or pretended to have greater financial worth than they actually did in order to impress others were considered as “trying to keep up with the Joneses”.  My grandfather instilled in me that “We don’t have to keep up with the Joneses, because we are the Joneses.  Everybody else has to keep up with us”.  I live by that.  As a result I strive to set myself apart from others and be the best example I can be, even when no one else is looking.

Your definition includes your confidence.  Regardless of your size, shape or age, you should make being healthy and confident a goal in your life and sustain it.  It’s a recurring theme in the health industry; exercise improves the feeling of well being, improves stamina, mental clarity and lowers blood pressure.  People who exercise regularly, regardless of how stressful their environment is, have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, lower cortisol levels, are “happier” and more successful in their endeavors than people who do not.  Your health contributes to how your feel about yourself.  And how you feel about yourself determines how others react towards you.  If you are viewed as meek, afraid, and easily intimidated, often you will not be taken seriously, you will not be given opportunities by decision makers and you are more likely to be mistreated, or victimized.  Unless there is a million dollars paving the street in front of you, you shouldn’t walk around with your head down.  A person who walks with their head held up proudly, not only will see that million dollars on the ground, but they will see it sooner than you will because they are looking ahead, instead of down.

Who you surround yourself with also defines you.  Do you have friends whom, although they are different from you, they are encouraging and supportive of you?  Will they tell you when you are wrong and stand beside you when you are right?  Are they trustworthy?  Are they consistent?  It is said that “you are defined by the company that you keep”.  If you look at your inner circle of friends and you see yourself surrounded by people who are unsuccessful, lack ambition, complain about everything but never offer a solution, or possess other traits that are those of people who will cause you to be defined poorly, you first need to assess what type of person you are, the type of person you prefer to be, then you need to get new friends.  You won’t likely change the minds or lives of these types of people in your life with words; therefore, if you can’t change your friends, you need to change your friends.  Surround yourself with others who will “upgrade” your way of thinking, people you can learn from who are also encouraging of you and your success.  When you do this, you will see your definition improve.

These are just basic suggestions for initially defining yourself.  There are other aspects that contribute to who you are and who you want to be as a person, including financial, spiritual, and emotional.  Once you’ve started this process with the basics, the other elements will follow.  You are a multi-dimensional person and every aspect of you is equally important.  How you choose to define yourself overall, is important and reflective of the person you decide to be.