Tag Archives: dating

I do…Will I?

Today I watched footage from the royal wedding. As I watched Kate and William become husband and wife, along with millions of other people worldwide, I thought of many things: What is the Royal Family’s last name (Windsor)? Will they now call Kate by her full first name (Catherine)? Will she be referred to as Princess or Duchess (it should be Princess since her husband will one day inherit the throne)? And where did Fergie and Andrew’s daughters get those horrible hats from (the Queen’s millinery was obviously not their choice)? The wedding also made me wonder this: When will I have the opportunity to get married again?  

Being single has its advantages and some people see being single as a bonus to life. People who prefer to be single like not having to commit to one individual and like not having to make decisions and consider another person’s thoughts or feelings in the process. Those are both selfish reasons, so that explains why people like that are single. Then there are people like myself who see having a relationship or marriage as an enhancement to their lives. The thought of having someone to share experiences, commonalities and life with means a lot to some people. For some people, relationships are taken seriously and done with purpose.

Then I thought about how my desires and criteria have changed over the years. When I was in my twenties, I married the wrong man. That decision completely changed my mate criteria. As a result, in my late twenties, I wanted a different type of man; someone who was more than just good to look at.  I met that man and we were together for three years. We made plans to become married but that went downhill because he damaged our trust. That experience influenced my criteria again. I still want the same basic traits in a spouse (including but not limited to good character, integrity, honesty and great sex) but unfortunately meeting men like that has been nearly impossible as evidenced in my other blogs. Leaving me to wonder if a man for me even exists, and if he does, is he tall?

Over the years, I have become more openminded towards dating different types of men. My husband doesn’t have to be a black man. He can also be a very attractive, tall, White, Latino, Samoan, or multiracial man. I haven’t met any that are interested in dating me yet, but I’m open to the possibilities. I imagine as I become older, my mate criteria will continue to adjust with my age. If I’m still unmarried in my forties, (which is three years from now), I may be open to dating younger men, instead of sticking to my preference of older men. If I’m still unmarried in my sixties, I might be open to dating men my age who are in wheelchairs. If I’m still unmarried in my eighties, my only requirement may be that a man has a pulse.

When, or if, the day comes, I will not ask the minister to remove the word “obey” from my wedding vows. A wife is supposed to obey her husband and obey doesn’t mean what most people think it means. Until that day comes, when I am blessed to meet my husband (which may not be in God’s plan for me and I’m completely aware of that), I think I’m going to just marry my shoes. It seems completely logical to me. My shoes make a positive statement about me whenever I wear them, they compliment me, they make me feel sexy, and when one pair acts up I have others to wear. My shoes don’t require that I call first; they don’t get mad when I look at or buy another pair and they get along with each other. So that’s what I’m going to do. My Steven Maddens and I can live happily ever after – together.

Invitations are forthcoming.

My Not So Ideal Life Makes Better Fiction

Everyone has things they want in life. They also have their idea of what their ideal life would be like. About fifteen years ago my ideal life would have been to have had five children, a loving husband, a huge house on a lot of land and the money to afford it all. My reality was vastly different. Instead I had one child, several miscarriages, and an abusive codependent husband who gambled away the household money. Today my ideal life is also different from the reality. In my ideal life, I would be married to a man whom I could share experiences and goals with and we’d have a media empire. The reality is that I can’t meet a man worthy of dating me more than one time and I have to build the empire I want solo. But the reality doesn’t stop me from wanting more. It does, unfortunately, sometimes dampen some of the excitement. As I’m reflecting on my regrets, my dreams, my failed relationships, rejection and my ever looming single status, I do know this: although I don’t know the reasons, seasons change and my lifetime may not have the love and marriage I hoped for, my experiences make for really good stories, which will one day make me very wealthy. There’s always a silver lining to my clouds.

There’s so much of my life that I could never have made up in a million years, such as the date from hell I had earlier in April 2011. There are authors who can only talk about other people’s experiences and hope we as an audience find it realistic enough to read about. But a lot of what I have written thus far, and will write and publish forthcoming, is based on an actual situation or person I have had a personal experience with. Yes, I use my imagination to make some of it more interesting, I don’t reveal anything that I could be sued for (names for instance) and I take certain literary liberties such as changing locations and details. However, I can honestly say that some of the men I wrote about in “The Goodie Bag; The Erotic Fiction Collection” are real men. None of them were my husband; some of them weren’t even my boyfriends. They didn’t necessarily have feelings for me or me for them, but the chemistry was good while it lasted and it made for good intimacy and sex. That’s the absolute truth. Not too many women get to say that they actually fulfilled some of their fantasies. And very few men get to say they were inspiration for erotic fiction. What is most interesting to me is that the men who inspired some of my work haven’t even bothered to read it. That’s too bad for them because according to male customers who have bought and read “The Goodie Bag”, it’s a very good read.

If nothing else, although my experiences haven’t always been pleasant, and I don’t have my ideal life (and I don’t always feel positive that I ever will), but my experiences combined with my talent will take me places. Maybe some of those places will be Paris, Dubai, Morocco and Rio. It would be nice to share it all with a man who loves me, and whom I love in return. And if not, my not-so-ideal life will still make for better fiction, that I hope will lead to everything else I’d like my media empire to be made of.

No Sex in My City

Rejection is so difficult to take. Primarily from someone you love or care for. Especially when you know you have done your best, been yourself and given so much to that person, but they still reject you. This weekend I decided that I no longer want to be Carrie Bradshaw and he is not Mr. Big. If you’re a fan of “Sex and the City“, you know what I mean. For years Carrie and Big had this on again, off again, heartbreaking, emotional tug of war between them. I think in television time, this tug of war may have lasted for approximately ten years, beginning when Carrie was still in her thirties, and it climaxed with them finally getting married at the end of “Sex and the City: The Movie“, and becoming Mr. and Mrs. John James Preston. And yes, I was very happy for Carrie. All of her hard work and heartache had finally resulted in a return on her investment. Big had finally come to his senses and married the woman who he had cheated on his previous wife with and had dated off and on for a number of years in between enjoying his bachelor days.  At this stage in my life and in this dating game, I can’t be Carrie.

I think I may have fallen in strong “like” with someone. It started as a crush a number of years ago. But I never thought that I’d actually meet this man. Then last year, what I thought was impossible, happened. For the last nine and a half months (long enough for human beings to conceive and a woman to give birth to a baby), he and I have been Carrie and Big. He’s the same man I’ve mentioned in some of my other blogs. The major difference between us and them is that Big took Carrie out in public with him on numerous occasions. Carrie met Big’s associates, some of his friends, and they went to various types of events. In spite of Big’s issues with commitment, he seemed to enjoy spending time with Carrie and being with her publicly, and showing her affection. I was not so lucky. Two dates in public in nine and a half months. That’s all I got. That’s all he thought I was worth. His excuse? The same excuse a lot of men have. Money and the lack of it. Strangely, he had enough money to go to the movies, he played golf, and he went on trips. Not once, did he think to invite me to join him. Not once was I important enough. I invited him to attend the upcoming BravoBravo! event at the Detroit Opera House in June. He declined my invitation, telling me that he doesn’t go to parties because he’s been there, done that…blah, blah, blah. However, this past weekend, guess what he did? He went to a party. Without me. And he texted me to tell me where he was. So you can clearly see where this is going? In case you don’t, let me tell you.

I dumped him – again. Yes, I said “again”. This was already his second chance in nine and a half months. In January of this year, he asked for the opportunity to spend more time with me, but he apparently had other things he wanted from me. He obviously doesn’t care about my feelings or how his actions affect those feelings. A few weeks ago he said that people should have relationships that benefit them. He told me our [non-committed] relationship allowed him to have someone to spend his time with because he is human and needs companionship. I told him that a benefit for me would be him doing more with me and supporting my endeavors and attending parties with me, even though it’s not something he “does” anymore. He told me he’d think about that. I got his answer this weekend. His answer was to go to a party, without me.

He and I would’ve made a great team, but unfortunately for him, he has tunnel vision and doesn’t see that as a possibility. He’s more focused on his career and doesn’t notice how one area of a person’s life is connected to another. Career not where you want it to be and your personal relationships fail? There might be a connection there. Nine and a half months ago I would’ve been more than glad to have a business relationship with him had he approached me with that as an option, but he didn’t. I would’ve even been open to just having a sexual relationship, had he told me that was all he wanted. But he didn’t. Honesty ~ it’s a good thing and it allows a person to decide if they want to be bothered or not. Instead he dosed me with a facade. The same facade he dosed himself with as he told me repeatedly that sex wasn’t all he wanted from me. Amazingly, his actions reflect that sex is the only purpose he thought I served for him, whether he wants to admit it [to himself] or not. He didn’t want a committed relationship, a business relationship and he didn’t want to be seen in public with me. Those were not his words, those were his actions. Is he remorseful? Not likely. He probably feels that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was honest about his whereabouts this weekend… so he gets a half a point for that.  But he gets an “F” for everything else.

So I did what Carrie has done to Big so many times in the past. I walked away from him. But unlike Carrie, it would probably take an Old Testament Act of God to convince me to go back. After all, this is my real life, not a character’s on television, and I lack the patience to wait for nothing to ever develop. How do I know that nothing would ever develop between me and him? Easy, it has already been nine and a half months. Men don’t need an eternity to know if they love a woman or want to have a relationship with her or not. He’s already 46 years old and I’m 36. If he doesn’t appreciate me, respect my feelings or care about hurting me today, staying around him isn’t going to convince him to change his behavior towards me. It will just give him license to continue to take advantage of me. I figure he doesn’t want me in his life today, it is unlikely to change in ten years. At the very least, this city girl, deserves someone who genuinely does want to be with me – in private and in public.

It Happened One Night… A Hot Mess

It finally happened.  Something I have often dreaded as a single woman.  Something I had only heard of but had not experienced firsthand. This weekend, I had the date from hell. What I thought would be simply casual dining and getting to know someone better, turned into something from a “National Lampoon’s” movie. Each step through the ordeal, I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out of nowhere telling me I had just been “punked”. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. And oh, how I wished it had. It would’ve at least provided a logical explanation for the whole situation, which began with a phone call at approximately 6:20 pm on Sunday evening and ended, thankfully at around10:00 pm. What makes this even worse is that the poor man didn’t have a clue of how terrible the date was. He actually thought I’d be interested in seeing him again. By 8 pm, I had already decided that was not going to happen. By 8:30 pm, I was thinking I should’ve stayed home and ate the home baked chocolate cupcakes I had made earlier instead. He was a fix-a-man; someone that had way too many issues at his age, for me to even consider dating him. Primarily since the purpose of me dating is to meet someone I can eventually marry.  As I sucked down my grand patron margarita with vigor, I thought, “this is some bull****. Is this what the dating pool has been reduced to? Is this why I’m single at 36? Is this all that’s left of the men for me to choose from?”

If the evening hadn’t been so ridiculously absurd that it made me laugh, I think I would’ve cried. Especially since there is a man in my world that I truly adore, and I would much rather be with, that just doesn’t view a committed relationship as a possibility in his life right now. As a result, I still “casually date” in order to have brief companionship more often than once a month. As I listened to this man tell me about his family, his dog, and his problems, I thought about my sister friends that are blessed to be in a relationship and all the women who complain about minor things in their relationships and marriages. They have no idea how good they have it. I want someone to wear his shoes in the house, take up too much room in the bed, and leave dishes in the sink overnight. I pray for someone that I have things in common with, someone I can improve my golf handicap with, someone I can have intelligent conversation with, someone I can go on vacations with. I long for someone that will be happy to see me, hug me and kiss me; someone who wants to do those things everyday for the rest of his life. But that’s not what I have. So I’m left to muddle through this very shallow, disappointing dating pool as a single woman for Lord knows how long. I have one online profile where the men are only 80% matches (translation – 50%) and I’ve even sent in an application for assistance from the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger herself.  I have my personal goal of being married by age 40. That looks so impossible from where I sit today, especially after this weekend.

As usual, I will make lemons out of lemonade. This recent misadventure in dating will be added to my upcoming novel “He’s A Problem” that I plan to release the summer of 2011. So all of you will have the chance to laugh with me and some of you will surely relate to me. Real life is often stranger than fiction and this particular date was such a hot mess that I couldn’t make it up if I had wanted to.

To the married women – Please take the time to count your blessings. If your spouse is not abusive, addicted or have a criminal record, please appreciate him for all of who he is, including his faults. You are with him, hopefully, because you are equally yoked with him. Being single in your thirties is hard and it only gets harder the older you become. Don’t waste time finding fault in the marriage you are blessed to have when there are women like me who don’t get a chance at love.

Finding Superman

Lately, my own personal relationships have been… nonexistent… for lack of a better word. I’m single but always fall for the same type of man; the kind that doesn’t want or know how to commit but also doesn’t want to be without me.  I find this so strange because I believe in giving a person what you want from them, and being honest about it, so I give myself the way I want to receive that man.  However, I never seem to receive the same thing back.  I give honesty, even though I know that there’s a risk of heartache.  If the man doesn’t fit well with me, I tell him, so that we both can move on to someone who is more compatible.  I don’t find it fair to hold a person that you know isn’t right for you, particularly for selfish reasons.  Not receiving the same level of honesty or consideration in return makes a heart cold.  It makes it difficult to trust a man.  It builds impenetrable walls.

In dating, I’ve allowed each man to have his own unbiased opportunity to mess up. It’s his own opportunity, his actions and his consequences. Regardless of what the last man did or didn’t do, a man coming into my life receives his own clean slate. Everything he says, does, doesn’t do, will or won’t do determines how I will feel about him in the end. If he lies to me, keeps unnecessary secrets, communicates poorly, isn’t consistent in his treatment or behavior towards me, can’t be monogamous, isn’t a gentleman or anything else, it is him and him only that I judge as a result. It’s called being open-minded. Even after failure, most of these men try to come back; some more than once.  But if a man ruins the first opportunity, he might not be deserving of a second.  If a man ruins the second opportunity, he definitely doesn’t deserve a third.

I want a committed relationship that will eventually become a marriage. There have been many men that have shown an interest in being married to me. But they always have outrageous demands that require a great deal of sacrifice from me, and only me. They have wanted me to change into a Stepford wife – no friends, no outside interests, no hobbies, no life – whose world revolves only around them and their interests. This doesn’t work well for me because I have a lot of personal and career goals that I am striving to achieve. The role of housewife would have to come with a huge amount of financial security from that man for me to agree to give up my own hopes and dreams. I haven’t met a man with that much money yet.

This brings me to my dilemma. I’ve been single for the better part of the last ten years and my last relationship ended four years ago. I can’t seem to find a man who compliments me at all.  Dating is a lot of work and requires a lot of time and energy that I don’t have much of.  I’m not at all interested in online dating because I prefer organic connections, but I got rejected by eHarmony because they didn’t have anyone in their entire database that had the qualities I was seeking. What’s sad about that is that the qualities I want aren’t superficial. They are very basic in their definition, but I guess no one else is looking for the same from anyone else.

Then there are my friends. Most of whom are married.  Unfortunately for me they all seem to have married men with no friends. None of their husbands know one single, eligible, good man on the entire planet.  Outings with friends are very awkward when there are only couples around.  I no longer want to be looked at cross-eyed because women fear I’m going to desperately hit on their husbands and boyfriends when I walk into a room.  My friends don’t offer to set me up on blind dates or introduce me to single men.  They just tell me to “be patient”, that “he is coming”, that I’m “still young and have plenty of time for marriage”.  Really?  This makes me wonder how much my friends really care about me and understand my desire for companionship.  So I’m going to find out.

I’m developing my own dating reality show.  I think it might be the only way I will ever have the chance to meet enough men at one time just to find one I can date. And at the very least maybe it will prevent me from being pitied at the next black tie event I attend (Awww, Sweetie, where’s your date? Are you here alone?).  My friends and relatives are being volun-told to participate. No excuses.  If they love me, they each will have to find a good man for me to meet and convince him to come on the show. 

Now, all I need is $30,000, a co-executive producer and a television network to air it on. Then I can find my Superman.