Tag Archives: marriage

Younger Horizons

I’m not ready. I know I’m not. I’m not ready to stay at home ALL the time. I still want to travel, learn, grow and do many, many things. I’ve been dating men ten to fifteen years older than me for awhile. My friends tease me and say that men I date are all AARP members. They are older, but still sexy and in pretty good physical condition. In my experience, older men are (usually) more mature, more financially stable, and more gentlemanly; they no longer desire to have children and don’t require training in the lovemaking department. As I’m getting older (and the men are, too), I am really encountering some hotmess.com with older men. It’s making me consider shifting my gears even more towards men younger than myself.

Remember the date from hell I had a couple of months ago? He was in his early forties. The noncommittal, success seeking, Mr. Big in my life? He is in his mid-forties. Then there was the amateur photographer that I dated briefly, who once the involvement ended had the audacity to tell me that I’d never meet a man that would buy me Coney Island for breakfast like he did (in his early forties) and the man that contacted me via Facebook to tell me I was his “type of woman” and he had “I like freaks” in his bio (in his mid-forties). All of these men have made me ask this question:

Has the world gone completely crazy?

I’m very particular about who I spend my time with. It’s the number one reason why I’m single. I’m not getting any younger (I’ll be 37 years old this year), and although I’m still hot, I don’t like having my time wasted. Time is money. I refuse to give my time to someone who will take it for granted or treat it as if it holds no value. So, I keep the standards high, yet reasonable. For the last few years, I apparently have been under the mistaken idea that older men also don’t want to waste time, and would be better potential husbands because they’re ready to settle down and get married. That is so not the case. Older men are more scared, and scarred, when it comes to relationships than men in their twenties are. Although, they should really have their minds, hearts and finances together at their age, many of them, actually do not. So, what options are left for me and women like me?  

One option is younger men.

Not “teenage” younger, or college younger…just younger. And that doesn’t make me a cougar, regardless of what others think. I’m often mistaken for a twenty-something year old woman out on a date with a Sugar Daddy. I seriously doubt that if I dated a man slightly younger than I am anyone would even notice. So, I’m broadening my horizons. This is something I often tell women who ask me for dating advice to do. [Broaden your horizons. Step out of your comfort zone. Do something different.]You will never say I’m a hypocrite, because I live what I say. I will not necessarily give every younger man a chance to date me. I don’t currently give every man the chance to date me at all, regardless of his age. However, I will give men slightly younger than I am, the opportunity to show and prove more than I have in the past. That is something I’m more than capable of doing.

Only time will tell if dating younger men will result in me meeting my true Superman, or just another Bizarro.

I Found The Button!

I found the button! I am so excited! I feel like a scientist that just discovered something life altering in her laboratory under a chair. It’s a phenomenon. Something truly extraordinary. But what’s funny is this; I had it all along but had never used it. I just needed someone to make me aware of its existence. The person who made me aware is someone whom I lovingly refer to as my “brother” – Mr. CharlesAnthony Woods.  CharlesAnthony was the first man to ever tell me a theory about men and sex. This theory is extremely helpful for single women who desire to become someone’s wife, but have difficulty weeding their way through the steadily declining world of dating.  I know you’re absolutely dying to know what I’m referring to.  It’s the button that makes men you don’t have any interest in, go away. And here it is!

***drum roll please***

“I’m celibate”.

Yes, I said “I’m celibate“. Now you’re confused and wondering what this woman, who writes erotic fiction, is talking about.  Here’s an explanation:

CharlesAnthony once told me that I should be celibate until I meet a man willing to be with me even though I was celibate. He told me that if I tell a man I’m celibate and he still calls me, that man is one that I should consider worthy of my time, attention and affection. THAT led to the discovery of the button.

I don’t believe in a woman playing games with men. I truly believe that if you don’t have any interest in a man, in most instances you should just be honest and tell him so. You should do so with a smile and grace, while not embarassing or insulting the man. Single women often have to come up with some outrageous tales in order to escape the pursuit of men we’re not interested in. I’ve “lied” before, too, because a man wouldn’t take “no” with a smile and grace as a definitive “NO“. I remember when telling a man you were a lesbian would run him away; now men look at that as an invitation for a menage-a-trois. There was also a time when telling a man you were married or committed resulted in him saying “he’s a lucky man” and walking away. Those tall tales don’t work for single women anymore. We have to become more creative in dismissing a potential disaster from our paths. Hence, the discovery of the button that makes men you’re not interested in, go away.

Men enjoy sex. They see an attractive woman and the first thing they want to know about is what sex with her may potentially be like. Then they wonder what her name is and if she’s single or not. After that, they wonder about her personality. Remember ladies, in the male mind it goes like this – sex first, then name, followed by status and finally, personality. So when a man contacts you (via Facebook, tweet, email or IM, because that’s how it is done today), in finding out his motives, the button comes in very handy.

Here’s how you use the button.

When a man approaches you and he begins telling you how sexy you are and all the things he wants to do to you, tell the man that you are celibate and plan to remain celibate until you are in a committed relationship resulting in marriage. It doesn’t have to be true. It just allows you to see up front what that man REALLY wants from you. If all he wants is sex, you will never hear from him again. Unless he’s contacting you (via Facebook, text, or IM) to ask if you are still celibate, in which case, the answer is stillYES“.

If the man continues to call you and he isn’t just talking about sex (when, how and where he wants to get it), that man is likely one who truly wants to know your name, status and personality. He also respects that you are celibate (whether it is true or not) and is willing to take steps to get to know you as a woman and person prior to moving forward with a physically intimate relationship.  Yes, I know, it’s not nice or ladylike to lie, but sometimes it is necessary for our survival.

Lately, there have been a lot of men that have approached me with only one thing on their minds. They make assumptions about me because I write erotic fiction and look incredibly sexy in my lingerie on the cover of my book, “The Goodie Bag”. They assume that I’m a sexually deprived and desperate woman, and they also assume that they will get inside“The Goodie Bag” with nothing but a request. NOTgoingtohappen.com . I’ve told those men that I’m celibate, and trust me, I’ve never heard from them again. I don’t regret it at all. That one word has helped me avoid potential disaster. I, like so many other single women, don’t want a man who only thinks with the head between his legs. If saying I’m celibate will keep those types of men away from me, I will gladly push the button.  Over and over again, until the man who wants more from me comes along.

I do…Will I?

Today I watched footage from the royal wedding. As I watched Kate and William become husband and wife, along with millions of other people worldwide, I thought of many things: What is the Royal Family’s last name (Windsor)? Will they now call Kate by her full first name (Catherine)? Will she be referred to as Princess or Duchess (it should be Princess since her husband will one day inherit the throne)? And where did Fergie and Andrew’s daughters get those horrible hats from (the Queen’s millinery was obviously not their choice)? The wedding also made me wonder this: When will I have the opportunity to get married again?  

Being single has its advantages and some people see being single as a bonus to life. People who prefer to be single like not having to commit to one individual and like not having to make decisions and consider another person’s thoughts or feelings in the process. Those are both selfish reasons, so that explains why people like that are single. Then there are people like myself who see having a relationship or marriage as an enhancement to their lives. The thought of having someone to share experiences, commonalities and life with means a lot to some people. For some people, relationships are taken seriously and done with purpose.

Then I thought about how my desires and criteria have changed over the years. When I was in my twenties, I married the wrong man. That decision completely changed my mate criteria. As a result, in my late twenties, I wanted a different type of man; someone who was more than just good to look at.  I met that man and we were together for three years. We made plans to become married but that went downhill because he damaged our trust. That experience influenced my criteria again. I still want the same basic traits in a spouse (including but not limited to good character, integrity, honesty and great sex) but unfortunately meeting men like that has been nearly impossible as evidenced in my other blogs. Leaving me to wonder if a man for me even exists, and if he does, is he tall?

Over the years, I have become more openminded towards dating different types of men. My husband doesn’t have to be a black man. He can also be a very attractive, tall, White, Latino, Samoan, or multiracial man. I haven’t met any that are interested in dating me yet, but I’m open to the possibilities. I imagine as I become older, my mate criteria will continue to adjust with my age. If I’m still unmarried in my forties, (which is three years from now), I may be open to dating younger men, instead of sticking to my preference of older men. If I’m still unmarried in my sixties, I might be open to dating men my age who are in wheelchairs. If I’m still unmarried in my eighties, my only requirement may be that a man has a pulse.

When, or if, the day comes, I will not ask the minister to remove the word “obey” from my wedding vows. A wife is supposed to obey her husband and obey doesn’t mean what most people think it means. Until that day comes, when I am blessed to meet my husband (which may not be in God’s plan for me and I’m completely aware of that), I think I’m going to just marry my shoes. It seems completely logical to me. My shoes make a positive statement about me whenever I wear them, they compliment me, they make me feel sexy, and when one pair acts up I have others to wear. My shoes don’t require that I call first; they don’t get mad when I look at or buy another pair and they get along with each other. So that’s what I’m going to do. My Steven Maddens and I can live happily ever after – together.

Invitations are forthcoming.

My Not So Ideal Life Makes Better Fiction

Everyone has things they want in life. They also have their idea of what their ideal life would be like. About fifteen years ago my ideal life would have been to have had five children, a loving husband, a huge house on a lot of land and the money to afford it all. My reality was vastly different. Instead I had one child, several miscarriages, and an abusive codependent husband who gambled away the household money. Today my ideal life is also different from the reality. In my ideal life, I would be married to a man whom I could share experiences and goals with and we’d have a media empire. The reality is that I can’t meet a man worthy of dating me more than one time and I have to build the empire I want solo. But the reality doesn’t stop me from wanting more. It does, unfortunately, sometimes dampen some of the excitement. As I’m reflecting on my regrets, my dreams, my failed relationships, rejection and my ever looming single status, I do know this: although I don’t know the reasons, seasons change and my lifetime may not have the love and marriage I hoped for, my experiences make for really good stories, which will one day make me very wealthy. There’s always a silver lining to my clouds.

There’s so much of my life that I could never have made up in a million years, such as the date from hell I had earlier in April 2011. There are authors who can only talk about other people’s experiences and hope we as an audience find it realistic enough to read about. But a lot of what I have written thus far, and will write and publish forthcoming, is based on an actual situation or person I have had a personal experience with. Yes, I use my imagination to make some of it more interesting, I don’t reveal anything that I could be sued for (names for instance) and I take certain literary liberties such as changing locations and details. However, I can honestly say that some of the men I wrote about in “The Goodie Bag; The Erotic Fiction Collection” are real men. None of them were my husband; some of them weren’t even my boyfriends. They didn’t necessarily have feelings for me or me for them, but the chemistry was good while it lasted and it made for good intimacy and sex. That’s the absolute truth. Not too many women get to say that they actually fulfilled some of their fantasies. And very few men get to say they were inspiration for erotic fiction. What is most interesting to me is that the men who inspired some of my work haven’t even bothered to read it. That’s too bad for them because according to male customers who have bought and read “The Goodie Bag”, it’s a very good read.

If nothing else, although my experiences haven’t always been pleasant, and I don’t have my ideal life (and I don’t always feel positive that I ever will), but my experiences combined with my talent will take me places. Maybe some of those places will be Paris, Dubai, Morocco and Rio. It would be nice to share it all with a man who loves me, and whom I love in return. And if not, my not-so-ideal life will still make for better fiction, that I hope will lead to everything else I’d like my media empire to be made of.

No Sex in My City

Rejection is so difficult to take. Primarily from someone you love or care for. Especially when you know you have done your best, been yourself and given so much to that person, but they still reject you. This weekend I decided that I no longer want to be Carrie Bradshaw and he is not Mr. Big. If you’re a fan of “Sex and the City“, you know what I mean. For years Carrie and Big had this on again, off again, heartbreaking, emotional tug of war between them. I think in television time, this tug of war may have lasted for approximately ten years, beginning when Carrie was still in her thirties, and it climaxed with them finally getting married at the end of “Sex and the City: The Movie“, and becoming Mr. and Mrs. John James Preston. And yes, I was very happy for Carrie. All of her hard work and heartache had finally resulted in a return on her investment. Big had finally come to his senses and married the woman who he had cheated on his previous wife with and had dated off and on for a number of years in between enjoying his bachelor days.  At this stage in my life and in this dating game, I can’t be Carrie.

I think I may have fallen in strong “like” with someone. It started as a crush a number of years ago. But I never thought that I’d actually meet this man. Then last year, what I thought was impossible, happened. For the last nine and a half months (long enough for human beings to conceive and a woman to give birth to a baby), he and I have been Carrie and Big. He’s the same man I’ve mentioned in some of my other blogs. The major difference between us and them is that Big took Carrie out in public with him on numerous occasions. Carrie met Big’s associates, some of his friends, and they went to various types of events. In spite of Big’s issues with commitment, he seemed to enjoy spending time with Carrie and being with her publicly, and showing her affection. I was not so lucky. Two dates in public in nine and a half months. That’s all I got. That’s all he thought I was worth. His excuse? The same excuse a lot of men have. Money and the lack of it. Strangely, he had enough money to go to the movies, he played golf, and he went on trips. Not once, did he think to invite me to join him. Not once was I important enough. I invited him to attend the upcoming BravoBravo! event at the Detroit Opera House in June. He declined my invitation, telling me that he doesn’t go to parties because he’s been there, done that…blah, blah, blah. However, this past weekend, guess what he did? He went to a party. Without me. And he texted me to tell me where he was. So you can clearly see where this is going? In case you don’t, let me tell you.

I dumped him – again. Yes, I said “again”. This was already his second chance in nine and a half months. In January of this year, he asked for the opportunity to spend more time with me, but he apparently had other things he wanted from me. He obviously doesn’t care about my feelings or how his actions affect those feelings. A few weeks ago he said that people should have relationships that benefit them. He told me our [non-committed] relationship allowed him to have someone to spend his time with because he is human and needs companionship. I told him that a benefit for me would be him doing more with me and supporting my endeavors and attending parties with me, even though it’s not something he “does” anymore. He told me he’d think about that. I got his answer this weekend. His answer was to go to a party, without me.

He and I would’ve made a great team, but unfortunately for him, he has tunnel vision and doesn’t see that as a possibility. He’s more focused on his career and doesn’t notice how one area of a person’s life is connected to another. Career not where you want it to be and your personal relationships fail? There might be a connection there. Nine and a half months ago I would’ve been more than glad to have a business relationship with him had he approached me with that as an option, but he didn’t. I would’ve even been open to just having a sexual relationship, had he told me that was all he wanted. But he didn’t. Honesty ~ it’s a good thing and it allows a person to decide if they want to be bothered or not. Instead he dosed me with a facade. The same facade he dosed himself with as he told me repeatedly that sex wasn’t all he wanted from me. Amazingly, his actions reflect that sex is the only purpose he thought I served for him, whether he wants to admit it [to himself] or not. He didn’t want a committed relationship, a business relationship and he didn’t want to be seen in public with me. Those were not his words, those were his actions. Is he remorseful? Not likely. He probably feels that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was honest about his whereabouts this weekend… so he gets a half a point for that.  But he gets an “F” for everything else.

So I did what Carrie has done to Big so many times in the past. I walked away from him. But unlike Carrie, it would probably take an Old Testament Act of God to convince me to go back. After all, this is my real life, not a character’s on television, and I lack the patience to wait for nothing to ever develop. How do I know that nothing would ever develop between me and him? Easy, it has already been nine and a half months. Men don’t need an eternity to know if they love a woman or want to have a relationship with her or not. He’s already 46 years old and I’m 36. If he doesn’t appreciate me, respect my feelings or care about hurting me today, staying around him isn’t going to convince him to change his behavior towards me. It will just give him license to continue to take advantage of me. I figure he doesn’t want me in his life today, it is unlikely to change in ten years. At the very least, this city girl, deserves someone who genuinely does want to be with me – in private and in public.

It Happened One Night… A Hot Mess

It finally happened.  Something I have often dreaded as a single woman.  Something I had only heard of but had not experienced firsthand. This weekend, I had the date from hell. What I thought would be simply casual dining and getting to know someone better, turned into something from a “National Lampoon’s” movie. Each step through the ordeal, I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out of nowhere telling me I had just been “punked”. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. And oh, how I wished it had. It would’ve at least provided a logical explanation for the whole situation, which began with a phone call at approximately 6:20 pm on Sunday evening and ended, thankfully at around10:00 pm. What makes this even worse is that the poor man didn’t have a clue of how terrible the date was. He actually thought I’d be interested in seeing him again. By 8 pm, I had already decided that was not going to happen. By 8:30 pm, I was thinking I should’ve stayed home and ate the home baked chocolate cupcakes I had made earlier instead. He was a fix-a-man; someone that had way too many issues at his age, for me to even consider dating him. Primarily since the purpose of me dating is to meet someone I can eventually marry.  As I sucked down my grand patron margarita with vigor, I thought, “this is some bull****. Is this what the dating pool has been reduced to? Is this why I’m single at 36? Is this all that’s left of the men for me to choose from?”

If the evening hadn’t been so ridiculously absurd that it made me laugh, I think I would’ve cried. Especially since there is a man in my world that I truly adore, and I would much rather be with, that just doesn’t view a committed relationship as a possibility in his life right now. As a result, I still “casually date” in order to have brief companionship more often than once a month. As I listened to this man tell me about his family, his dog, and his problems, I thought about my sister friends that are blessed to be in a relationship and all the women who complain about minor things in their relationships and marriages. They have no idea how good they have it. I want someone to wear his shoes in the house, take up too much room in the bed, and leave dishes in the sink overnight. I pray for someone that I have things in common with, someone I can improve my golf handicap with, someone I can have intelligent conversation with, someone I can go on vacations with. I long for someone that will be happy to see me, hug me and kiss me; someone who wants to do those things everyday for the rest of his life. But that’s not what I have. So I’m left to muddle through this very shallow, disappointing dating pool as a single woman for Lord knows how long. I have one online profile where the men are only 80% matches (translation – 50%) and I’ve even sent in an application for assistance from the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger herself.  I have my personal goal of being married by age 40. That looks so impossible from where I sit today, especially after this weekend.

As usual, I will make lemons out of lemonade. This recent misadventure in dating will be added to my upcoming novel “He’s A Problem” that I plan to release the summer of 2011. So all of you will have the chance to laugh with me and some of you will surely relate to me. Real life is often stranger than fiction and this particular date was such a hot mess that I couldn’t make it up if I had wanted to.

To the married women – Please take the time to count your blessings. If your spouse is not abusive, addicted or have a criminal record, please appreciate him for all of who he is, including his faults. You are with him, hopefully, because you are equally yoked with him. Being single in your thirties is hard and it only gets harder the older you become. Don’t waste time finding fault in the marriage you are blessed to have when there are women like me who don’t get a chance at love.