Define Yourself

If you’re like me, you can recall many times that you were rejected in your lifetime.  We’ve all felt rejection.  The job you applied for but you were told that someone else received it because you lacked experience.  The promotion that you were working towards, that someone “less qualified” received.  The line of credit that you needed at the time, but your credit score was less than stellar.  The man or woman that told you that you didn’t make enough money, drive a nice enough car or physically appeal to them.  I’ve been there, too.  I was there myself yesterday…last month…last year.

I’ve learned that the other person’s opinion of your worth is just their opinion.  Every person has an idea in their mind before you walk through the door of what they want and expect.  They want you to live up to their idea and expectations, before they even see you.  Often their ideas and expectations can’t be altered because they are unwilling to compromise.  That is fine.  Everything ain’t for everybody.  There are those rare occasions when you will walk through the door and someone will think you are everything they want; you’re the ideal employee to fill that position, the right fit for that promotion, the type of person they want a relationship with.  Whether you meet a person’s expectations or not doesn’t define you or your worth.  Only you can do that.

You start defining yourself by knowing what your gifts are.  Everyone has skills and talents bestowed upon them.  Some of us have had them nurtured by our parents and teachers at a young age, so we are well aware of what those skills and talents are.  Some of us have been downtrodden by life and told that we are less than what God made us to be, therefore we’ve never examined our full potential.  Either way, it’s never too late to nurture what you have been given.  Allow your talents and skills to be honed and you begin redefining your life.  A couple of years ago, I attended an event where I heard Susan L. Taylor, Editor Emerita of Essence Magazine speak.  She said one thing that stuck with me to this day, “Everyone is here on purpose, with purpose”.

You also define yourself by what you do, even when no one is looking.  Your integrity is an essential part of who you are.  Crowd pleasers and “Yes Men” have to rely on the thoughts of others for their survival and success.  Are you a follower who does what others do, even when you know it’s wrong?  Do you have an opinion behind closed doors, but when you’re allowed the opportunity to speak up and make changes, you slink in the corner?  Or are you a leader, who sets an example of what should be done because it’s the right thing to do, who isn’t afraid to speak up for the greater good, even when others rise against you?  My grandfather, Leon L. Jones, raised me until he died when I was twelve.  One of the household principles he instilled in me was a twist on a well known phrase.  Back in the day, people who were trying to live above their means or pretended to have greater financial worth than they actually did in order to impress others were considered as “trying to keep up with the Joneses”.  My grandfather instilled in me that “We don’t have to keep up with the Joneses, because we are the Joneses.  Everybody else has to keep up with us”.  I live by that.  As a result I strive to set myself apart from others and be the best example I can be, even when no one else is looking.

Your definition includes your confidence.  Regardless of your size, shape or age, you should make being healthy and confident a goal in your life and sustain it.  It’s a recurring theme in the health industry; exercise improves the feeling of well being, improves stamina, mental clarity and lowers blood pressure.  People who exercise regularly, regardless of how stressful their environment is, have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, lower cortisol levels, are “happier” and more successful in their endeavors than people who do not.  Your health contributes to how your feel about yourself.  And how you feel about yourself determines how others react towards you.  If you are viewed as meek, afraid, and easily intimidated, often you will not be taken seriously, you will not be given opportunities by decision makers and you are more likely to be mistreated, or victimized.  Unless there is a million dollars paving the street in front of you, you shouldn’t walk around with your head down.  A person who walks with their head held up proudly, not only will see that million dollars on the ground, but they will see it sooner than you will because they are looking ahead, instead of down.

Who you surround yourself with also defines you.  Do you have friends whom, although they are different from you, they are encouraging and supportive of you?  Will they tell you when you are wrong and stand beside you when you are right?  Are they trustworthy?  Are they consistent?  It is said that “you are defined by the company that you keep”.  If you look at your inner circle of friends and you see yourself surrounded by people who are unsuccessful, lack ambition, complain about everything but never offer a solution, or possess other traits that are those of people who will cause you to be defined poorly, you first need to assess what type of person you are, the type of person you prefer to be, then you need to get new friends.  You won’t likely change the minds or lives of these types of people in your life with words; therefore, if you can’t change your friends, you need to change your friends.  Surround yourself with others who will “upgrade” your way of thinking, people you can learn from who are also encouraging of you and your success.  When you do this, you will see your definition improve.

These are just basic suggestions for initially defining yourself.  There are other aspects that contribute to who you are and who you want to be as a person, including financial, spiritual, and emotional.  Once you’ve started this process with the basics, the other elements will follow.  You are a multi-dimensional person and every aspect of you is equally important.  How you choose to define yourself overall, is important and reflective of the person you decide to be.

On a Clear Day

It is said that on a clear day you can see forever.  This morning, as I drove Super Son to school, from the Westside of the city, I could see the Renaissance Center with the sunrise gleaming off of it.  It appeared to be so close that if I hadn’t known better, I might have tried to reach out to touch it.  As I marveled, I said aloud, “on a clear day you can see forever”. That caused me to reflect on clarity in our minds and hearts as well. 

When your mind is clear, you can see possibilities as endless and limitless.  You are more open to change and therefore, more likely to adapt to situations and environments.  If your mind is clear of negativity and fear, you can make the impossible, possible.  If your mind is clear your faith and perseverance are stronger and challenges become opportunities instead of struggles. 

When your heart is clear, you feel love deeply and without fear of rejection or pain.  You can give of yourself to others fully and with trust, knowing that you may or may not receive the same in return, but it doesn’t prevent you from loving regardless.  If your heart is clear of pain felt resulting from your past, your ability to move forward into the realms of love in your present and future are not impeded.  You are then able to be loved in return, fully and deeply.

Sometimes we hinder our own success because our minds aren’t clear and we refuse to view things differently.  We stick ourselves in a box labeled “comfort zone”.  Sometimes our relationships fail because we hinder ourselves with fear and apprehension.  We stick ourselves in a box labeled “past experiences”.  This is neither a prosperous or productive way to live.  

I encourage you to clear your minds and hearts, not for anyone else, but for the limitless possibilities it will create for you; professionally, personally and financially.   Because on a clear day you can truly see forever.

Be You

We’re surrounded by it everywhere we look.  Billboards, mainstream media, including television telling us what the standards of beauty are and how we should be, instead of embracing our ever varying diversity and what we are able to contribute as individuals.  Regardless of what others insist that you mold yourself into, it is very important that you remain true to yourself in life.  Be yourself; only better.  This can be the most difficult task of your life because others will want expect you to be who they think you should be to satisfy their own agendas.  Whatever obstacles you face, you should always have your own agenda that dictates who and how you contribute to this world.  Stay true to your feelings, your vision, your morals, values and standards.  Develop your personal sense of style, love your skin, and hair, size and shape.  Acknowledge your gifts and talents.  If you do these things, you will always be blessed. 

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t embrace positive change.  Change is good; it promotes growth and enhances character.  Be open and receptive to any of the challenges you face in your life.  Challenges that are conquered feed the soul and will bring about a sense of accomplishment for you if you simply try your best.  Whatever you set out to achieve is well within your grasp when you exhibit determination and have focus.  What you bring to this world as an individual is priceless and irreplaceable.  There will never be another you.  You are unique in your design.  Your style is your own, your beauty is unique, your intellect is a treasure.    

Self assess yourself and your personal relationships.  Strive to be the type of person you would want to have a relationship with; a person who is strong, confident and honest.  A person who compliments your best qualities and enhances your existing happiness.  Someone enjoyable to be around who loves and appreicates life and the diversity that it includes.  These are essential elements for the foundation of a healthy relationship.  Embrace your flaws, pet peeves & annoying habits.  They give you personality.  Change only what you want to change about yourself, along with what you should change to improve your health & finances.  You are aware of what those things are, even if you’ve never acknowledged them aloud.    

Be a good friend to others.  You can only receive what you are willing to give to others.   You can’t expect others to live up to standards that you do not yourself live up to.  If you are consistently being disappointed by someone, one of the two of you isn’t a good friend to the other.  Be encouraging and uplifting of others.  Particularly towards other women, both younger and older.  We are each other’s responsibility and we must care for one another.  Putting others down will never lift you up.  Being a hater is an excuse for not fulfilling your own potential.  It may give you temporary satisfaction, but won’t feed your soul or fill your bank account. 

Work to fulfill your dreams and goals.  You may have had to sacrifice your dreams at some point in your life, but it’s never too late to pursue them again.  It takes balance, prayer and perseverance. If you’re interested in pursuing your dreams, network with like-minded people who will encourage and support your endeavors and success.  Working hard and smart have monumental payoffs for those who don’t give up.  Don’t allow people to deter you and draw your focus onto their dreams, when you can spend your energy pursuing your own.  You have a purpose here in this world and you can be a blessing to yourself and to others; you don’t have to choose one over the other. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  You add more stress to yourself when you don’t ask for help.  Asking for help includes asking for guidance from whichever spiritual entity you worship.  God uses us to bless others.  Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of strength and wisdom.  Where you may be lacking in an area of your life, knowledge or ability, others may contribute.  Even a super hero needs a sidekick for assistance sometimes.

Don’t be afraid of trying something different or being adventurous.  The human body needs an adrenaline rush on occasion to preserve our natural survival instincts.  Plan a vacation somewhere that you’ve never been before, go to an amusement park and ride a roller coaster.  Open yourself up and do something you’ve always wanted to do, even if you don’t have anyone to accompany you. 

Nurture your individuality.  Whether you like to wear your hair long or short, like to read or listen to music; whatever makes you different is beautiful.  Embrace it fully.  We don’t all look or think alike and that keeps life more interesting.  What a boring world this would be if we were all mindless clones of some other person.  Learn to appreciate the differences that others have.  All of your friends don’t have to be exactly like you.  If you have friends that always agree with you no matter what you do, you need new friends.  You make mistakes, as anyone does, and a true friend will call you out on your mess.   

Don’t work hard at getting revenge on those who have hurt and disappointed you.  Instead, work hard at getting better.  The better you are, the better you look, and the better you feel about yourself, the more the person who has wronged you will regret not having you in their life.  The best revenge is to be fabulous.  

Live your life to the fullest; you only get one chance.  Be beautiful.  Be bright.  Be powerful.  Be you.

Smooches.

The Company, The Woman, The Brand

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