Category Archives: Relationship Blog

What I Learned In Therapy

I completed my relationship therapy. *Happy Dance* Now I’m a lot more comfortable with everything going on in my life. I’m more comfortable being single. I’m more comfortable doing business with men. I’m more comfortable with who I am. Although I had a fear of being alone, in the end there isn’t anythingwrongwith me. In fact, my career is my “husband” for now; and contrary to what others may think, right now my career treats me very well. It doesn’t lie to me. It doesn’t cheat on me. It doesn’t blame me for its problems. It gives me a warm glow that people find attractive. It puts a smile on my face and gives me something to look forward to. Sounds like I’m already in a good, healthy and fulfilling relationship.

I still don’t like or appreciate people who are dishonest. But that just shows that I have character and will not allow people to insult my intelligence with their lies. I’m still hardworking and ambitious to a fault, but I’ve learned that it is perfectly fine for me to enjoy my mini-accomplishments just as much as I enjoy my BIG ones. I discovered that is okay for me to occasionally pat myself on the backmean it and not apologize for it. I just needed confirmation from someone on the outside looking in, with a truly unbiased viewpoint, who would not tell me what they thought I wanted to hear, that I am not “crazy”, “insecure”, “delusional” or “full of trust issues” that are “preventing me from having good relationships”. In fact, I’m not the person with the problem at all. I just don’t believe in unicorns, and I refuse to allow others to convince me that unicorns exist when I’m well aware that they do not.

I like reality. I accept change. I embrace the truth, no matter how painful.

I’m just fine, regardless of what other people, who believe in unicorns, may think.

Now I’ve spread my wings even more. I now have my radio show called The FabLife Radio Show. The first week’s show that aired on Friday, October 12 had almost 400 listeners (at last count). *Happy Dance* This week I’d like to see that number increase tremendously. But even if it goes to just 401, I’ll still be happy. And I think all of my Super Fans for making those numbers possible. {Make sure you check out the current Super Fan Offers for my token of appreciation}

I had to let some things and people “go” in the last few days. I just don’t have the time or patience for people who don’t see the BIGGER picture. I like forward thinking people. Those are the people I want to collaborate and do business with. Those are the people who understand growth and marketability. During my therapy I learned that having realistic standards is a good thing. I learned that listening to your instincts is a good thing. I learned that having goals is a good thing. And I learned that along this path in life, there will be many times when others just won’t understand that. I learned that as a result, I have to be ready to say “good-bye” and sometimes “good riddance” to those people, in order to allow people who do understand to have the opportunity instead.

It’s actually very simple when you think about it. 

So I’m forging ahead. I have a great deal of work ahead of me and a great deal of success to enjoy. God speed to those I had to leave behind, cut ties with and delete. I hope that they will find their way to whatever they are searching for in life… It just won’t be with me.

 

~ When you truly know your worth, you don’t need to lower your standards to make others happy. If they can’t step up, tell them to step aside. #MogulMindset – Super Woman 

 

 

Love Therapy

We all have issues. Some of us are just more honest about it than others. Some of us are aware that we have issues and some of us are deeply in denial. I’m going to share something with you that very few people know about me. I have a fear. A fear that causes me to use a particular defense mechanism because it’s easier than doing anything else. I have a fear of being alone. This fear in most people causes them to always want to be in a relationship even if it is unhealthy, just so that can avoid being by themselves. Since I’m not like other people, in my case, this fear causes me to want to remain single so that I don’t have to be worried about a man leaving me alone.

My entire adult life has been full of men who have abandoned the relationship. They’ve all had reasons that they felt were justified. My son’s father left me because I wouldn’t continue to have a sexual relationship with him while he was in a relationship with another woman. My ex-husband left me because he could no longer abuse me and he was cheating on me with another woman. My ex-fiance had his family plan a wedding for us, then I discovered that he was seeing another woman that he was keeping a secret from his family. One ex-boyfriend told me he didn’t want to marry me because I didn’t make enough money. One man I dated for nearly a year told me that he didn’t want a relationship with me because he wasn’t “ready“. Another ex-boyfriend of mine cheated on me because he said I get too much attention from other men. These are all forms of rejection, abandonment and betrayal that I have experienced over the years and resulted in me to developing this fear. Some people would refer to it as insecurity. It’s not insecurity. Some people would call it baggage. It’s really an instinctual response to protect myself from perceived or potential harm. What I have discovered is that a lot of people have this same fear. We all handle it differently. Some of us lash out at others to drive them away. Some of us hold on to others for dear life. Some of us may decide to remain in solitude because it’s less traumatic than going through break ups. 

My fear is resulting in me losing people who I love. I lost a friendship that I value because I am fearful of the friendship developing into a more intimate relationship. My effort to communicate was an epic fail.  So, I’m going to see a therapist that specializes in sex, intimacy and relationships. That may seem counterproductive because I’m not in a relationship, but in spite of my fears, I would like to be…one day…before I die…if God willing.

I truly think that there are a lot of good men in the world, I just don’t believe any of them could want a relationship with me. That is a part of my fear. Why did this fear manifest itself and what can be done about it? I don’t know if anything can be done about it, but my goal is to become better at expressing myself and then conquering the fear itself. The fear causes me to hide from the idea of a relationship with a man I love because I’m afraid he will eventually leave me; either for another woman or because he just doesn’t believe me to be worthy of him. I recognize that this fear hinders me in other areas of my life, and in my career. The fear causes me to be withdrawn in social atmospheres because I’m afraid of feeling rejected. The fear causes me to seclude myself because I’m afraid that others will not appreciate or accept me. As I take this journey to conquer my fears, I want to share with you some of the “triggers” that cause people to have a fear of being alone and what you can take into consideration if you’re in a relationship with a person who has these same fears or has trust or abandonment issues – or if you’re in a relationship period.  

1. Don’t use the word love if you don’t mean it. Love is an action word, not a stick of gum. When you love someone it’s best to show it to them, more than you say it. Personally, I’d rather have a man who never says he loves me, but shows me everyday with his actions, affections, protection and by claiming me as his woman or wife.

2. Be compassionate. You’re dealing with another human being. They have feelings too. Even if you don’t agree with how they feel, be compassionate towards their feelings and try to gain a better understanding of where it comes from. Everything isn’t always about YOU in the relationship. There’s someone else involved in that relationship as well.  

3. Pay attention. If you want a relationship with someone, paying attention to them is necessary. Pay attention to what bothers them, what makes them happy, what makes them sad and how your actions contribute to that. Learn what their likes and dislikes are. No one believes you truly love them if you don’t know anything about them. It’s not logical to us as people. When a person says they love you, but they don’t know your likes and dislikes, favorite color, what makes you sad, your favorite movie or anything else that makes you YOU, you feel like they are playing games with your emotions and you will react as such. 

4. Don’t use the relationship as a weapon or method of control. Too many people are always threatening to leave someone if they don’t do what you want them to do. Telling a person you are going to divorce them, leave them or cheat on them is the wrong approach. If you are not happy with that person and you don’t accept and appreciate them for who they are, you should not be in a relationship with them. If you feel it is necessary to use your relationship as a weapon or method of control, you need to seek therapy for yourself. That’s not love. That’s being a bully.

5. Be reliable. Do what you say you will do and be there for the person you love. If a person doesn’t feel that you have their back, they won’t be open with you. If they call you in a time of need and you never answer or show up, they won’t find you reliable. If you value a person in your life, showing you are reliable, and that you have their back and are in their corner will help them feel more comfortable with you and they won’t be guarded and withdrawn.  

6. Respect people’s timeframes. Some people believe that they have an eternity to have a relationship with someone. If you aren’t looking to get married until 2035, you should not say the words love, relationship or marriage to someone in the year 2012. It’s misleading. Consider that someone you love may have had a near death experience that makes them want to live every moment like it’s their last. They aren’t going to wait for you to be ready before they live their life to the fullest. You could lose someone because you don’t respect their timeframes and how they want to live their moments in life.

7. Respect the human factor. People make mistakes. Do you prefer someone who can take responsibility for their mistakes or someone who blames everything on everyone else, including you? In a relationship, both people are responsible for that relationship. What you do, say and don’t, will impact the strength and longevity of the relationship. You’re dealing with another human being who has feelings, problems and past experiences. Show concern more than you find fault in them and they will do the same with you. Treat a person the way you want to be treated.  

8. Be trustworthy. Don’t expect a person to trust you because of what you say, because you’re not like “other men/women” or because you think they should just trust you “just because”. Trust is earned. Trust is not given. Particularly for people who have experienced betrayal and infidelity. You have to show yourself to be someone a person can trust. See numbers 1 – 9 for ways to accomplish this.

9.  Know what a person expects from the a relationship. Understand a person’s views on relationships. This comes from having effective communication with a person, by being honest about your own expectations and by listening to theirs. This also comes from paying attention and showing compassion. You don’t have to agree with the person, but you should be aware of what they want and need out of the relationship. Then you can determine if you are capable of building a relationship with them instead of hurting them later.  

10. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s never a good idea to get a person’s hopes up and not follow through. This goes back to being reliable and trustworthy as well. If you over promise and under deliver, you look like a liar. Even if that is not your intention. People will call your character into question if you are “all talk“. If you are going to do something, do it. If something unforeseen prevents you from doing what you said you will, make a phone call, apologize and reschedule for another day or time. You can’t expect a person to keep giving you chances to disappoint them.  

11. Don’t communicate in 140 characters or less. As much as I love technology and gadgets, I also hate the effect they have on interpersonal relationships. We’ve gotten so comfortable with not having human interaction that we literally attempt to establish, have and maintain relationships using texting, emailing and social networking. This is not a good foundation for a relationship. Mostly because people have misused these tools in order to do harm to others. When someone constantly experiences meeting men/women on Facebook who are only interested in having sex, and that’s not what that person is looking for, if you met them on Facebook, you can’t expect them to just react differently. They are operating from what they know. They are protecting themselves from harm. You have to show that you are not the same, not just say it. There’s nothing better for solidifying a personal connection than face to face contact with a person. There’s nothing better than being present in their space, inhaling their pheromones, looking into their eyes and hearing the inflection in their voice when they speak. Take the time to get off the internet and get into each other’s personal space.  

12. Learn to agree to disagree without anger and animosity. Everyone you meet with not agree with you. If they do, you are doing something wrong. People are entitled to have a difference of opinion. Even if you are extremely compatible with someone else, you will never agree with each other 100% of the time. Learn to express how you feel in a way that doesn’t cause anger or animosity, yet allows you both to speak your minds and have a better understanding of each other. Some people just need to vent. When this occurs they turn towards the person they love and who said they love them. They want that person to be a sounding board. Their outpouring may or may not have anything to do with you directly. They just need you to be there for them and let them be vulnerable.

13. Don’t placate a person. No one in their right mind thinks they are right 100% of the time. A person dealing with abandonment or trust issues, or who has a fear such as mine, wants that one person that will prove them WRONG about how they feel. They don’t want a person agreeing with them to get them to stop talking or to end the disagreement. They want the person they love to be honest with them, tell them and show them that the fear they feel at that moment is not warranted. This doesn’t work if you placate them. It might only make them angrier and cause the already existing issues to escalate out of control.

14. Spend quality time together. Whether you call it quality time, intimate time, quiet time or date night, it’s important for two people who love each other to have time in the same space together to enjoy each other’s company. It doesn’t matter if it’s indoors or out; whether it includes activities or just laying in the bed holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. Time together between two people builds bonds and strengthens relationships. It allows for a connection to exist and remain. People who have the best and longest lasting relationships are people who spend one on one quality time together and make it a habit to do so on a regular basis.

15. Listen to the person. It is said that we have two ears and one mouth because we are supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. If a person says that they have a need from the relationship, listen to them closely and measure if you can meet that need or not. Silly and superficial expectations don’t count. I’m referring to reasonable needs and wants that a person expresses, such as “Honey, I would like for you to help me with the housework more, so we can spend more time together on weekends instead of me cleaning all day.” That’s a reasonable need.

16. Be honest. The biggest issue that causes people to fear being alone, being abandoned or to have trust issues is that the other person they are dealing with is dishonest in some way. Not many people can be honest with themselves, let alone with other people. Sometimes even withholding small bits of  information can appear to be dishonest. A person who doesn’t have bad intentions, something to hide or isn’t playing emotional games is more able to be honest, even when it hurts your feelings. At least you will be able to respect them for telling the truth so that you can make an informed decision for yourself.     

17. Compromise – The 80/20 Rule. You will only get approximately eighty percent (80%) of your emotional, financial and intimate needs met by the other person in the relationship. You have to be willing to compromise the other twenty percent (20%) and go without those needs or do those things for yourself. Expecting someone outside your relationship to fulfill that 20% is a recipe for disaster. Leaving one woman for another woman because she has a bigger booty or a smaller waistline is fuckery, when the woman you already had at home is a good wife, good mother, good friend and partner to you. Get your priorities in order in your relationship.

18. Give the same level of love that you expect. You reap what you sow.  Enough said. 

19. Measure the pros and cons. I’ll never forget the scene in Why Did I Get Married, Too?” when Patricia (Janet Jackson), told Angela (Tasha Smith) and Dianne (Sharon Leal) that they should“write down all the good he’s ever done and all the bad he’s ever done. And if the good outweighs the bad, you need to be big little women and fix it”. Resilience through the hard times is what people want to see that you are capable of. Marriage vows say for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for a reason. Are you the type of person that runs from a problem before you try to fix it? Are you a person who will quickly dismiss someone you say that you love because they did something you dislike or that offended you? This behavior tells a person you don’t think they are “worthy” of you, your time, your attention, your energy or your love and that you are not able to be there for the long haul. It translates into “You’re not good enough for me to stay and work this out.”

20. Be happy. Being happy is a decision. One of my favorite songs is “Be Happy” by Mary J. Blige. When I was going through my divorce it was on heavy rotation. The answer to true happiness lies within yourself. Another individual can not make you happy. It’s not their responsibility to make you happy. They can only enhance your existing happiness. If you’re not already happy with your life, even without being in a relationship, you should reassess if you should be in a relationship at all.

21. Learn to forgive. If you truly love someone and you want them to be your friend or spouse, you must learn to forgive them when they make mistakes in your relationship or fall short of your expectations. No one is perfect. If you think you are perfect, seek therapy for yourself. If your relationship is not abusive, full of addiction, infidelity or anything demeaning or harmful to you, your health or happiness and it’s worth fighting for or saving, the first step is to forgive.

22. Sex ain’t better than love. There’s a difference between physical and emotional intimacy. People desire to be loved, appreciated, respected and acknowledged…outside the bedroom. If you are not capable of this, you should not use the words love or relationship until you areEmotional intimacy is the most valuable type of intimacy between two people. It means that they trust each other, are reliable, communicate effectively, know each other well, and have the other building blocks necessary for having a healthy relationship.  

Look at a relationship like a tree. Trees have to be planted. The tree has roots that develop into a trunk, which sprouts branches, and grow leaves or fruit. If your roots are weak, your tree won’t be strong, your branches will be limp and your tree won’t bear fruit. And if it does manage to bear fruit, the fruit will be rotten to the core. Take responsibility for your actions or inactions in your relationships and make an attempt to grow. If you love someone, truly love them, and they have fears of being alone, have trust or abandonment issues, make an attempt to work through their issues with them before you walk away. You could be that one person that teaches them how to love and makes a difference in their life.

~ Love is the strongest element on Earth. It can heal a broken heart, rescue a lost soul or it can be used to destroy.

Married To Super Woman

I follow Michael McDaniel on Twitter and we’re Facebook friends. Recently he posted a question asking if a person would marry themselves. It was a very interesting question to me because I knew what he meant. He wanted people to examine if they were the kind of person they would want to be married to, if they were the opposite sex. It’s a self-assessment of ones values and qualities. We often don’t self-assess ourselves and our faults or even our good qualities. We just go into relationships seeking validation and perfection from the person that we are in a relationship with. We often forget that we attract who and what we are most of the time. In those instances when you attract those who pretend to want to be what you are, knowing that they fall short of your expectations and standards, you get a pass. But it’s a short pass because you don’t have to give that person your attention.

So I thought about Michael’s question as it relates to me personally. I’ve had more than one person tell me that I’m my own husband. I don’t think people who said this about me meant it as a compliment, but I took it as one. I took it as a compliment because it means I embody the qualities that I would want in a mate if I had one.

  • I’m dynamic
  • I’m confident
  • I’m talented
  • I’m intelligent
  • I’m a good parent
  • I’m suspenseful
  • I’m a person of action
  • I’m articulate
  • I’m ambitious
  • I’m hardworking
  • I’m inspiring
  • I’m self motivated
  • I’m unique
  • I’m aware of how other people perceive me (and I often don’t care because my purpose isn’t to please everyone else) 
  • I’m a protector of those I love and care for
  • I’m a provider

Now, I’m not the dysfunctional woman who doesn’t believe that she needs a man. Men and women need each other. But in a society where marriages last less than 90 days and people get married because they think they love someone, but didn’t take the time to get to know someone, I’m okay with the idea of being married to myself. After all, what is marriage? Marriage is a committment before God to another person. If two men or two women can marry each other in some states, I should be able to marry myself and it be acceptable until I meet a man who is equally yoked.

I’m not saying that we don’t need the affections of or appreciation from a person of the opposite sex. I’m saying we need to take inventory of ourselves before we can expect someone else to have what we are looking for. Having a spouse isn’t going to make a tremendous difference in my life. At least, not that I can see at this time in my life. Any man who wants  a long term relationship with me will truly have to enhance every area of my life. I have what I have because of the work and time that I have invested in myself. Likewise, I lack in areas where I lack due to my own fault. I am responsible for myself. But when the day comes for me to be a partner with and wife to a man (if it’s in the Master’s Plan), I want to bring more to the table than my pretty face. Particularly since so many men think that’s all I have going for me. I want to be a positive contributor to the relationship in every way, shape, form and fashion; emotionally, spiritually and financially. I also want to be a motivator to my husband. 

In my experiences, it has been the men who said they loved me the most who treated me the worse. I no longer value those three words; I care more about the actions of a person. Being “married” to myself is a level of dedication that I give to myself that isn’t predicated upon how someone else feels about me or what that person thinks of meI’m “married” to myself – the woman that I am and the woman that I will become. I fully love and appreciate myself more than a man could. I know myself better than any man does.

Feat not, for I am not losing my romantical mindset. I’m also am not saying that Superman doesn’t exist. He’s just extinct. In fact, there are several men interested in filling the position of Superman in my life. Which is how my upcoming reality show Finding Superman came to exist in the first place. Many men have tried, and several have failed over the years. A man can no longer proclaim he’s my Superman and expect me to do hand stands in excitement to be with himA man has to embody the traits and characteristics that a Superman should. I’m also putting my life on reality television because I want a man who is proud to be with me and wouldn’t have a problem saying so publicly. Being with me requires going places, networking and attending high-profile black tie events. Superman can’t be a hermit or be ashamed of being seen with me. Many men say what they feel (and what they think I want to hear) privately. But I want someone who is willing to go through challenges, publicly, in order to show me. The job of Superman is not one for the weak, fractured, or timid. It is for the right man and it isn’t easy.

Go to the Finding Superman Reality Show Official Facebook Page and show your support with a LIKE and a SHARE. The show will be filmed here in Detroit and will not depict African-Americans or women negatively in the way that other shows have done recently. The show is also Super Fan interactive, so the Finding Superman Reality Show Official Facebook Page is very important for those who will watch the show because your vote will count. When each Fan Challenge is met, information about the show will be released. We are just  TWO (2) LIKES away from releasing the contestant criteria. Then we can move on to completing the next Fan Challenge and the next stage in the project. By the way, my friends and family will be heavily involved in the process, although I will not so that I can remain neutral.

In the end, there can only be one Superman.

~ To whom much is given, much is required.

Upgrade Yourself

I’ve been reading a lot from both men and women complaining about the kind of people they are meeting and dating. Women are complaining about men not having jobs, money and ambition. Men are complaining about women being gold diggers, lazy and expecting too much from them. I find it all comical, yet very sad. I find it comical because the majority of the people complaining don’t have their lives together, yet expect others to tolerate it. Some of the people complaining also have extremely low standards, meet a person that meets those low standards but they expect the person to exceed them, as if by magic.

I find it sad because it’s making men and women more divisive than we already are. We no longer seem to appreciate the good things about people and overlook them in exchange for superficial, temporary characteristics that we like, then we don’t understand why our relationships fail. People no longer strive to build friendships that turn into relationships. People just want to have sexual relationships that turn into…well, a hot mess later on. Everything that looks good to you, isn’t always good for you.

First Law of Attraction: You attract who and what you are. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, because there are so many people who pretend to be someone they are not in an attempt to impress a person when they meet them. But for the most part, if you’re looking for a person with wealth, you will need to be wealthy or aspiring towards wealth yourself. If you’re looking for a person who is employed, you will need to also be employed. If you’re looking for someone educated, same should be true of you. If you want someone ambitious, you should make sure that you are as well. Point of clarification: ambitious doesn’t mean you talk about all the things you’re going to do “one day”.

Second Law of Attraction: There will always be at least one quality you’re looking for that a person lacks, so you have to decide if it’s a nonnegotiable (i.e. deal breaker) or not. No one is perfect and no matter how compatible you are with someone, you will always find that there is one thing that person is incapable of giving you. Some of those qualities you seek may be superficial and therefore, you should be able to live without them. But if there are flaws in a person’s character, work ethic and integrity, or they negatively impact that person’s health and freedom (you know what I mean), you may want to reconsider dating them.

Third Law of Attraction: The more you upgrade yourself, the more likely you are to meet someone who is of equal or greater caliber. I’ve learned that the more you upgrade yourself, the more options you have, and the more you can say no to people who aren’t on the same level that you’re on when they approach you. It’s also not about a person’s occupation. Whatever they do, if they don’t have the desire to do it well, there may be an issue with their self motivation. Beyoncé couldn’t upgrade Jay Z had she not already accomplished certain things herself as an individual. You can’t expect to take a person who has never had anything, never been anywhere, doesn’t possess any drive or ambition and lacks basic common sense and turn them into a multi-millionaire. If a person has never given birth to a good idea and had the desire to make it on their own, you coming into their lives won’t change that. Self motivation is a key factor in everyone’s lives. It’s the same part of a person that tells them they need to work in order to pay bills and eat, that determines how successful they will or won’t become.

Fourth Law of Attraction: Be the person you want to have and do it for yourself, not to get a man/woman. This means you need to already have some of the aspects of the life that you want to share with someone else. If you’re in debt, and you don’t want someone broke, get out of debt. If you enjoying traveling, and you want someone else who does, get yourself a passport, some frequent flier miles and go somewhere. If you want someone who is successful, become successful yourself. What happens if you don’t meet someone after you’ve done these things? You will have lived a blessed, successful, enjoyable life on your own terms. You will have had experiences that you can share with your grandchildren. You will have rocking chair memories in when you’re older and can no longer do those things. You will be happy as an individual, regardless of whether you had someone there to share it with or not.

You can’t wait for someone else to come along and upgrade you. That’s not a logical expectation. If you don’t have anything to offer someone else other than your good looks, you’re not going to obtain the person you want to attract.

Men, if a woman has a job, a career, aspirations, children, a car, a mortgage, insurances to pay, and she’s keeping herself groomed (which isn’t cheap),  it’s not likely that she’s going to want a man who adds more bills to her plate, unless she lacks self-esteem or is controlling. If you’re not a provider, you won’t last long in her life because she doesn’t need you. That doesn’t make her a gold digger; that means she believes in self-preservation. You also can’t expect her to lower her standards to accommodate you. You can’t expect her to give you everything you want or need, but you can’t relieve some of the burden or responsibilities she already has. Why should she when she can have what she wants and needs without you? It is true that a woman can do bad all by herself. So if you’re not on her level, upgrade yourself or leave her alone.

Women if you’re always dating men that have nothing to offer, in exchange for orgasms, all you will ever get is orgasms. If the most important thing to you is how a man puts it down in the bedroom, instead of his accolades in the boardroom, you will always have the man who is good in bed, but bad for you emotionally. If he didn’t have a job when you met, him, you can’t expect him to become employed if you’re taking care of him. That’s the truth. I believe that if you don’t work, you don’t eat. If you want a man who is a provider, show him that you can compliment him by being responsible and independent [read Miss Independent for a better understanding of independence and how we don’t use the term appropriately]. If you want a man to respect you, have respect for yourself. This means you will need to have boundaries (like not posting naked pictures of yourself on Facebook), and not allow yourself to be persuaded to let men cross or ignore your boundaries. Men may like to have the girl that’s hot, cute and always down for whatever to play with, but they never want her to be their wife. A man who knows his worth, wants a woman who does also.

Upgrading yourself isn’t easy. It’s a step by step process, that first begins with self assessment and admitting that there are characteristics about you that you can improve upon. These characteristics may span from your attitude to your bank account, from your job to where you live. It may require that you step out of your comfort zone, make new friends or acquaintances or even get a complete makeover. But if you do it for yourself to improve your life and well-being, you will see that the type of people you attract will also improve. There will always be the occasional opportunist looking for someone to take advantage of, leach off of or otherwise take their kindness for weakness. Becoming a better person will allow you to avoid those types of people as well. You don’t have to take my word for it. Try it for yourself and see what happens.

~ “You don’t do it for the man, men never notice; you just do it for yourself, you’re the f*cking coldest” – Drake, “Fancy

Miss Independent

By George! I think I’ve got it!

Men constantly say they want an independent woman. It seems that they do not understand the definition. Many women proclaim that they are independent women. They also have no clue as to what that really means. Everyone should be independent. Independent means that you are capable of taking care of yourself and what belongs to you. Independent means that you have a level of stability that is not reliant on other human beings. It means that you can work, and you have the basic necessities of life that include food, shelter and clothing. Independent means that you are secure within yourself. It means that you are capable of doing almost everything you want and need to do. An independent woman knows what she feels, can say what she believes and embraces her power. An independent man has a healthy relationship with his family and friends, is capable of providing his basic needs, is reliable and understands his role as a man. 

With all the men looking for independent women and all the women claiming to be  independent, why are there so many SINGLE people complaining that they can’t find anyone?

Independence is shown in actions, not in words. You can scream how independent you are all day long. And you can say you want independence in another, but until your actions show it, you don’t know what it is.

Independent does not mean that men and women don’t need each other. If man didn’t need woman, God wouldn’t have made Eve in the first place. God would’ve just allowed Adam to roam around by himself in the Garden of Eden and Adam would’ve eventually died. Alone. That would’ve been the end of mankind. Therefore, it can be argued and agreed upon that men and women need each other just to exist. Without one, the other will become extinct over time. That’s the reality.

When I hear women say they are independent and don’t need a man, I shake my head and roll my eyes. That is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard. Their misguided idea of independent is this: ‘I don’t need a man to pay my bills, I can pay them myself. I don’t need a man to get a car, a house or anything else, because I can get that for myself. I don’t even need a man for sex, I own a vibrator. No man can do anything for me. I’m independent.’ That is complete fuckery. Without a man – whoever your father is – you wouldn’t exist. Independence is not a shield or a sword for you to use against men. Independence is necessary to make sure that you survive with or without a mate, but it’s not a means to an end. So what you don’t ask a man for money. That just means you give yourself away for free. So what you can buy material possessions. They eventually go out of style and depreciate in value the second you walk out of the store. Being an independent woman doesn’t release a man from his role in this world. It just means you are capable of taking care of business if something happens to your man (he’s injured, loses his job or dies). A man is still required to protect and provide for a woman. That woman may not be you, since you’re so independent and all, but one day that man will protect and provide for a woman.

As independent and self-sufficient as I am, I at least need a man who’ll come and change my flat tire for me… and I’m Super Woman.

Men who say they want an independent woman are telling the next biggest lie I’ve ever heard. When men say that to me, again I shake my head and roll my eyes. I know eventually that same man will tell me he doesn’t feel needed or appreciated by whomever he’s dealing with intimately. All men want to feel needed and appreciated by a woman, by their children and at work. Any man who says that they want a woman who will never ask them for anything because she already has everything is lying. If you’re not needed by a woman, you have no place in her life. If a woman can’t ask you for anything, what are you there for? It can’t be for the sex. Remember, she’s independent so she doesn’t need you for sex because she owns a vibrator. If a woman can’t call you and ask you come fix something, lift something, move something, pay for something, help with something or any other manly task that takes place outside the bedroom in her life, you will never be needed or appreciated by her.

A truly independent woman will only ask a man for help if she has already exhausted all other options available to her and the issue is still unresolved. Therefore, if she’s calling you, either she thinks very highly of you or you’re her last resort. Either way, as a man, you’re needed in that moment. What man doesn’t want that? A man who truly understands the definition of an independent woman knows that means she’s capable of taking care of his family, managing his household and having his back when he needs her to. A man who truly understands that also knows that he’s paying for her time, attention and affection in one way or another if she is his woman. He’s protecting her and providing for her.

Here’s another reality for you. If a man can pay for porn, pay to go to a strip club or pay to buy a men’s magazine, he’s paying for sex, therefore he should also be able to pay for his woman’s wants and needs. A woman asking you to pay bills, help her financially or even take out the trash is not a gold digger. She’s a woman with some level of standards and expectations. She’s telling you the expectations of being involved with her. If the woman you are dealing with sexually is not your woman, you are still benefitting from your involvement with her and doing so without a committment. Last time I checked all benefits cost something. You don’t get medical insurance through your employer without having to go to work everyday. So why do you think you’re entitled to have a sexual involvement with a woman without having to also work for it?

And understand this men, your other male counterparts that are agreeing with you to your face and on Facebook, telling you that woman is crazy and saying that you shouldn’t be with that woman because she asked you for money (or anything else) are laughing at you behind your back. Those same men are going home to their wives or girlfriends and paying ALL OF HER BILLS, taking out the trash, fixing what needs to be fixed, and going to work the next day to do it all over again and again to keep her happy. Why? Because those are her standards and expectations and in order to be with her those are the things that he has to do. He wants to be with her, so he does it. Even when you are married, you are paying for your woman’s attention and affection in one way or another.   

Why do men think this mindset towards women is okay? I’ll tell you why. Because women let men get away with it. Yes, women, I blame you. Men only do to us what we allow them to do. When you are easy – a man doesn’t have to take you out, he can come to your house and have sex with you anytime he wants to, he doesn’t have to commit, he doesn’t have to give you quality time, etc. – you’re cheapening yourself and all the other women that man will meet after you as well. You’re letting him believe that he doesn’t have to work for you and therefore, if he didn’t have to work to get you, he doesn’t need to work to keep you or work for anyone else after you either. I’m sorry, but my daddy taught me that I’m a prize and even with all my independence I can’t cheapen myself as a woman. I believe that a man should be the provider, regardless of how much money I make. I believe that a man should protect me and do man’s work. I believe that a man should spend money on me if he wants my company and attention. And if I’m with a man for an extended period of time, I have the right to ask him for money if I need it and sometimes if I want it. There’s certain things I only do around the house when my son isn’t home. And when I mean not home, I mean when he’s seven hundred plus miles away at Clark Atlanta University. He does the man’s work and if it’s something he needs helps with, he calls another man to come assist him. Seriously.

I know what you’re thinking: why does she have her son fixing stuff and doing man’s work that she can probably do herself? BECAUSE I want my son to know, understand, appreciate and solidify his role as a man so that when he has a wife and a family he can protect them and provide for them. I don’t want him to believe that he can live in a woman’s house and not have to work. I don’t want him to believe that his penis is a magic key that gets him everything he wants from a woman and he doesn’t have to do anything for her in return. I want him to be secure in his manhood and it starts with him understanding that there are standards and expectations. I bet that same man who doesn’t give a woman he’s sleeping with any money and calls her a gold digger, will give his mother money if she asks and sometimes if she doesn’t. Why? That’s the standard his mother has established. He knows that he’s expected to protect and provide for her. Why shouldn’t he also do that for his woman?  

~ What do I need a man for if he’s not going to protect me and provide for me? I’m independent.

 

Why Does a Dog Lick Himself?

When I was growing up and I’d ask my aunt a question like “why do boys do stupid stuff?“, she would answer my question with this question ~ “Why does a dog lick himself?” Of course, I’d say “I dunno”, and she’d say “Because he can… and that’s the same reason boys do stupid stuff.”

As I’ve gotten older, the question remains. And it is still the same answer. In relationships, people have forgotten some basic fundamentals. One in particular is honesty. People use lying as a reason to save a person’s feelings, because they believe telling the truth is more damning. The truth is that lying damages trust and creates fractures in the foundation of the relationship that never heal. Telling the truth may hurt someone’s feelings, but it does a lot less damage in the long run. Telling the truth might mean the relationship ends, but that’s better than having an unhealthy relationship full of anger, deceit, resentment and betrayal.

I bring this up today because too many people like living a lie in their relationships and it’s both unnecessary and unhealthy. Personally, I’m tired of seeing it, hearing it and having it walk up to my front porch uninvited and unwelcome. Unfortunately, it is true that more men lie about stupid things they don’t need to lie about, than women do. Men lie about where they are going and who they are going with. Men lie about who they love and who they want a relationship with. They lie about the color of their socks. Men lie about what they do for a living and how much money they don’t make. Men seem to lie about a lot of things, both big and small, for no reason at all. And they get away with it. Sometimes because women will say “oh, he’s just confused, but I can change him“. You can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change themselves.

Why do men get away with lying? The same reason a dog licks himself. Because they can.

Men get away with lying because so many women accept and tolerate the lies, even when their instincts tell them not to. It’s usually desperation and fear of being alone that causes women to ignore common sense, women’s intuition and the clues that a lie is being told straight to their face. Men only do to a woman what they are allowed to do. Men are well aware of this. Steve Harvey even talked about it in his book. Men understand and value loyalty and respect over love.  If a woman demands honesty from a man, that man may not want a relationship with her, but he’ll respect her more than he respects a woman who puts up with his lies. That doesn’t mean he won’t lie anymore. It just means he’s aware of who he can’t lie to and get away with it. I’ve always preferred having a man’s respect towards me more than his attention or admiration. Which is probably another reason I’m single. But it’s worth it to have my peace of mind.

Women: If a man is constantly lying to you and you remain in a relationship with him, he will not stop lying to you. If anything, he will just lie more often and get better at it. And why should he stop lying to you? His lies got you. His lies are keeping you. He gets everything he wants by lying to you and there aren’t any consequences or repercussions handed down to him when lies are told. Every time he lies, he gives an apology (another lie), and a reason for lying in the first place (another lie) and follows it with a promise to never lie again (another lie). That’s too much lying for me right there. But I see it more and more in relationships.

So many women seem to be accepting of this disrespectful behavior. I say disrespectful because anytime another person takes the time to deceive you, mislead you or takes away your ability to make an informed decision for your life based on truth and facts, they are disrespecting you. A self-respecting person never likes for others to disrespect them in return. The same women who allow men to needlessly lie and accept it, contribute to a cycle where that same man lies to the next woman he meets, and the next and the next, until he has a come to Jesus moment. That come to Jesus moment is usually something extremely dramatic, like a paternity lawsuit, his car being keyed, his house being burned to the ground (ala Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes and Andre Rison circa 1994), or something else that takes a lot of money out of his pocket. I’m not condoning doing these things to men, I’m just saying that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. These types of acts also aren’t necessary to get revenge against a man. The best revenge is to be fabulous; which means being able to walk away from that man leaving him without the privilege of your time, energy or intimacy.

Men often don’t consider what they might lose by lying, they often are only looking for something to gain when they do so. Whatever happened to the truth setting someone free? When did telling the truth become so hard that a person would go through the trouble of creating an entire story about something that never happened, that includes people, places and conversations that didn’t take place, to avoid telling the truth? When did a lie become one of the building blocks in relationships?

I remember a time when a man lied or cheated and was greeted with hot grits in return.  Have the women of the 21st century become such weak doormats that they would rather be with a man that constantly lies to them than be happy, healthy and single? Being single isn’t a bad thing. Particularly since it’s so obvious that a lot of people have no business being in relationships in the first place because they lie. When a person lies all the time they are often referred to as a pathological liar. This was once thought to be a mental illness, but for many it’s just a bad habit that they get away with maintaining and are never held accountable for.

All of the energy that is put into cultivating a lie can be used for many more productive ventures. Instead of lying, why not be an adult, tell your partner the truth and move forward – whether that means the relationship ends or not. A relationship based on a lie is never worth maintaining. It’s a parasite and the only purpose it serves is to drain you dry. It’s a time waster. It’s a dream killer. It’s utter fuckery at the core of it’s existence.

Of course a dog will lick himself because he can. A man will lie to and disrespect the woman he can. Just like a woman will abuse and emasculate the man that she can. I’ve never liked a liar – man or woman. I do my best to avoid anyone who lies to me, male or female. I’ve always believed that a person who would lie to me is a thief and a killer. Neither of whom should hold a position of power in my Super World, personally or professionally.

Integrity. It’s a word people forget and no longer practice. Integrity means doing the right things, even when no one else is watching you. It means being trustworthy. It requires honesty.

Women, please remember this in your relationships no matter what: a man who lies, will cheat; a man who cheats, will steal; a man who steals, will kill. Don’t settle for lies out of fear. If he lies to you, he’s not honest with himself. A man with integrity will always be honest, even when it’s hard or painful for him to do. A man that truly loves you, shows it and will always consider your heart before he does anything that could hurt you. 

Why does a dog lick himself? Because he can.

Why does a man lie to you? Because you don’t demand more from him and let him get away with it by staying with him.

Life is too short to live connected to someone by a lie. If you wake up everyday, fearful that you’ll be alone if you end your relationship with a liar, so you stay in the situation, I have news for you: You’re already alone… you just don’t know it yet.  

~ If you’re a man reading this and you feel like I’m man bashing, too bad. Stop lying to yourself and others and you won’t feel that way. When you know better, you do better.