Change and Choices – Part 2

We are the common denominator in all of our personal relationships.  If your personal and intimate relationships are all negative and unhealthy, you have to look more closely at yourself to determine why you are attracting those types of people.  You attract what you and who you are.  The better person you strive to be individually, the better caliber of people you will attract in return.  That’s the basic law of attraction.  Unfortunately, we’ve been taught that opposites attract, so often we will give someone completely opposite of ourselves “a chance”.  However, the Good Book tells us that we should be equally yoked to our mates.  That means that the person we regard as partner in life and marriage should be someone that complements us and enhances us; not someone who is the opposite of us.  It is true that a person may have some opposite personality traits, but that is not the same as being an opposite person.  We take opposites attracted more literally as in one person has steady employment and the other can not hold a job for more than six months.  That is not a health opposition between two people.  That factor will always create financial difficulties in the relationship.  Financial problems are the greatest reason for divorce.  So why would you want that type of relationship to begin with? 

Instead, we need to begin to look at people who are like-minded and like-hearted.  You can not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same type of relationship you want.  If a person doesn’t believe in monogamy, marriage and commitment, there is nothing you can do to convince that person otherwise.  That person’s mindset is based on their experiences.  The only thing you can do is respect their mindset and move on.  By staying in that situation you are only hindering yourself from becoming connected to someone else who shares your values and mindset. 

For example, if a man tells a woman that he only wants to be “friends with benefits”, the woman then has the information to make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to have the same type of relationship.  If the woman agrees to that type of relationship, that particular man will likely not ever see her as anything more than a “friend with benefits”.  The odds that he will become committed to her and marry her are very, very slim.  That is the truth of the situation.  However, some women will agree to a “friends with benefits” relationship with the expectation that the relationship may evolve into more if she can get him to change his mind.  The chances are a lot greater that it will not.  On the flip side, if the woman tells that man that she is not interested in being “friends with benefits” because she would prefer to cultivate a long term committed relationship, the woman can then freely move on to someone else who is more like-minded.  The same is true of a man who wants committed relationship but the woman does not. 

Many of my male friends have told me that men only do what women allow them to get away with.  Women can not make men change their minds or hearts as long as we allow them to categorize us however they choose to instead of respecting our desires.  You have to be willing, able and unafraid to walk away, anytime you know that the person you are dealing with doesn’t want what you want.  It is often difficult, but the reward is the retention of your own dignity.  It is more difficult to move forward if you are holding onto something that isn’t meant to be.  Also, being willing and able to walk away will make a man have more respect for you in the long run, regardless of whether you ever have a relationship with him or not. 

Remember: You are the only person who can facilitate change in your heart and your mind.

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